Stewie: Smells like Head and Shoulders, but you don't have dandruff.
Stu: Exactly!
Stewie: Aah!

Stewie: [to Stu] I could handle the crappy apartment and the pedestrian job, but now you're telling me I'm a 35-year old Parade magazine reading virgin?!

Stewie: [whispering to Stu] You listen to me Stewart Griffin! You march in there right now and [looks into a book] insert your penis into her vagina!

Stu's boss at work: Hey, Stew! I heard about what you did with Fran last night. Y'know, Interoffice sex is prohibited, regardless how hilariously brief and unsatisfying it was. You're fired.

Stu: Can I still read Parade?

Stu: We'll have to borrow the money from Mommy and Daddy. [Stewie leaps onto Stew's head and peels back his eyelids] AH!
Stewie: Never call them that again! It's Lois and the Fatman! Do you hear me?
Stu: Yes, yes!

Vanessa: Ah, screw him! That fuckin' kid's from Guam. Probably only speaks Spanish or some shit.
Stewie: Let me tell you something, Nessa, a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow.

Old Lois: Hi, Glenn. How's your arthritis?
Old Quagmire: Good, but since you walked in here I'm feeling a little stiff. Giggity Gig...oh, I just pooped a little.
Old Cleveland in a slow voice: Oh... that's... nas... ty.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Stu & Stewie's Excellent Adventure's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes