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- Stewie: Smells like Head and Shoulders, but you don't have dandruff.
- Stu: Exactly!
- Stewie: Aah!
- Stewie: [to Stu] I could handle the crappy apartment and the pedestrian job, but now you're telling me I'm a 35-year old Parade magazine reading virgin?!
- Stewie: [whispering to Stu] You listen to me Stewart Griffin! You march in there right now and [looks into a book] insert your penis into her vagina!
- Stu's boss at work: Hey, Stew! I heard about what you did with Fran last night. Y'know, Interoffice sex is prohibited, regardless how hilariously brief and unsatisfying it was. You're fired.
- Stu: Can I still read Parade?
- Stewie: NO, YOU STILL CAN'T READ PARADE!
- Stu: We'll have to borrow the money from Mommy and Daddy. [Stewie leaps onto Stew's head and peels back his eyelids] AH!
- Stewie: Never call them that again! It's Lois and the Fatman! Do you hear me?
- Stu: Yes, yes!
- Vanessa: Ah, screw him! That fuckin' kid's from Guam. Probably only speaks Spanish or some shit.
- Stewie: Let me tell you something, Nessa, a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow.
- Old Lois: Hi, Glenn. How's your arthritis?
- Old Quagmire: Good, but since you walked in here I'm feeling a little stiff. Giggity Gig...oh, I just pooped a little.
- Old Cleveland in a slow voice: Oh... that's... nas... ty.