- Mort: Please don't spit in my eggs, please don't spit in my eggs, please don't spit in my eggs...Thank you for the eggs!...God I hope he didn't spit in my eggs.
- Cook: Hey, Doug, I just spit in that guy's eggs!
- Peter: [as he teaches Chris how to hula dance] No! It's step, hip, step pivot! Are you trying to piss off the volcano?!
- Quagmire: [thinks to himself] Damn this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh God! I heard me! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
- Peter: [as he runs towards the movie screen and punches it] Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!
- Chris: Don't do it, dad! He's bigger than you!
- [As the family reads Meg's diary]
- Lois: Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. Today he was raking the yard. God I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves.
- [The whole family laughs and Meg walks in the room]
- Meg: Hey, what's everyone... Oh my God! You're reading my diary! I hate you all! [runs away screaming and crying]
- Peter: Keep going!
- Chris: Hey, look, Dad! They have 12-packs of kidneys!
- Peter: Yeah, but you got to buy the cooler, too. That's how they get you.
- [As Brian finishes changing Stewie's diaper]
- Stewie: Do you like cleaning my doodie, Brian? Say it. Say, "I like cleaning your doodie, Stewie." Ha! Don't forget the taint.
- Lois: That's it! Peter, you're suffocating me with your jealousy. I can't take it anymore. I'm calling a marriage counselor. I can't even have coffee with a friend without you freaking out! What is your problem?
- Peter: You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I love too much!
- Lois: Peter, what are you talking about?
- Peter: Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!
- Lois: Peter, you're scaring me!
- Peter: Good! Embrace the fear! [starts dancing] Dance with me, Lois! Dance the dance of life! [crashes into the china cabinet] Yeah, maybe you should call that marriage counselor.
- Peter: So, uh, what do you guys do for fun around here?
- Mort Goldman: We like to watch old movies while listening to "Hotel California" to see if it synchs up in a significant way. And so far, no. Nothing has.
- [While Brian and Stewie wait for the solvent to work]
- Stewie: Well, let's see. What takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up.
- Brian: Ba-zing.
- Stewie: We met on the Internet. He lured me into the car with promises of candy and funny stories.
- Peter: C'mon, let's go drink 'til we can't feel feelings anymore.
- Peter: Oh, Meg. You and your drugs.
- Lois: They got a great deal on pianos if you buy a four-pack.
- Lois: This twelve-pack of fungicide is for my daughter, Meg.
- Brian: Oh...
- Stewie: ...crap.
- Peter: Crafty Mexicans and your glass candy.
- Stewie: You want to hold hands on the walk home?
- Brian: Yeah, sure.
- Quagmire: How about a couple of drinks?
- Waiter: Certainly, sir. Martini for you and the usual roofie colada for your date?
- Jennifer Love Hewitt: That's it! You have got to be the most vile, disgusting human being I've ever met...and I have never been more turned on in my life.
- Jennifer Love Hewitt: What's your problem, grandma?
- Lois: You are, and I only saw Heartbreakers on a plane! And the flight was delayed, so the headphones were free!
- Jennifer Love Hewitt: I need a drink.
- Quagmire: Waiter, martini and a roofie colada!
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Stuck Together, Torn Apart's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes