Quagmire: Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?
Peter: Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.

Quagmire: Man, I love street fairs. They got rides, games, and ethnic food cooked horribly by white Americans.
Woman 1: [with brash Midwestern accent] Tacos! Hot tacos here!
Woman 2: [with equally brash Midwestern accent] Oh, are those tacos?
Woman 1: You better believe they're tacos!
Woman 2: I love tacos! Especially on a corn tortilla.
Woman 1: Ooooh! I love tacos on a corn tortilla!

Chris: Without government, I'm free to take a lotta mescaline and drive to Vegas!

Chris: Wait'll you see Debbie Reynolds on stage.

Pastor: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. [lifts Quagmire to top with a giraffe]
Quagmire: I'm glad we waited.
[the giraffe gives birth and a little giraffe with Quagmire's head stands up, looks direct at Quagmire]
Giraffe Quagmire: Giraffity!
Quagmire: Yeah see, that's not mine.

Ryan Phillippe: Would anyone like to be impregnated?

Brian: Hey! So how's that Tea Party goin', huh? More like TP Party. [pause] Toilet paper.