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- Quagmire: Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?
- Peter: Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.
- Quagmire: Man, I love street fairs. They got rides, games, and ethnic food cooked horribly by white Americans.
- Woman 1: [with brash Midwestern accent] Tacos! Hot tacos here!
- Woman 2: [with equally brash Midwestern accent] Oh, are those tacos?
- Woman 1: You better believe they're tacos!
- Woman 2: I love tacos! Especially on a corn tortilla.
- Woman 1: Ooooh! I love tacos on a corn tortilla!
- Chris: Without government, I'm free to take a lotta mescaline and drive to Vegas!
- Chris: Wait'll you see Debbie Reynolds on stage.
- Pastor: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. [lifts Quagmire to top with a giraffe]
- Quagmire: I'm glad we waited.
- [NINE MONTHS LATER]
- [the giraffe gives birth and a little giraffe with Quagmire's head stands up, looks direct at Quagmire]
- Giraffe Quagmire: Giraffity!
- Quagmire: Yeah see, that's not mine.
- Ryan Phillippe: Would anyone like to be impregnated?
- Brian: Hey! So how's that Tea Party goin', huh? More like TP Party. [pause] Toilet paper.