Barbara: Lois, these sweet potatoes look so good.
Lois: Mom, that's the stuffing. Now put on your glasses before you run over another black guy.

Bonnie: Lois, this food is so fucking good.
Lois: Oh. Wow. Okay.

Peter: [already drunk] Dads gettin' drunk on Thanksgiving is a holiday tradition.

Bonnie: Kevin, I want you to meet your little sister, Susie.
Kevin: Wow! Hey, little sis, I guess we got some catching up to do, huh? Hope you don't get scared when I scream and have night terrors.
Patrick Stewart's Voice: [as the voice in Susie's head] It's quite alright, I've seen worse.
[cutaway to Susie watching TV; woman screams and squashes are heard]
Patrick Stewart's Voice: A human centipede? How ghastly!

Joe: Okay, let's pick teams; I'll be a captain and, uh... Mayor West you could be a captain.
West: All right, I pick you.
Joe: You can't pick me, I'm a captain.
[cut to living room. West is surrounded with seven kids]
West: No one ever stood up for me like that before; I respected him there on out.
Child 1: That's a great story, Grampa.
Child 2: I didn't like it.
[many years later; West is surrounded with twelve kids]
West: None of my grand children have ever disliked one of my stories before; from then on, he was my favorite.
Child 3: Well, I don't like that story, great-Grampa. [West stands up; electrocutes the boy and disintegrates into dust]
West: Future old people are wizards.

Peter: [to Kevin] Well, it sounds to me you're a regular Benedict Arnold Drummond.
[cut to a control room]
Director: What's–what's he expecting us to cut to?
Writer: [looks at script] Duh...I think he wants, maybe..I dunno, Gary Coleman in a Napoleon hat?
Director: Well, we don't have that! We...we gotta come up with something!
Writer: [browsing video bookcase] Duh...well, we got...uh, we got..the Cowardly Lion as Lindsay Lohan's gynecologist.
Director: Play it. Play it!
Writer: But he didn't set it up!
Director: PLAY IT!
[begins cutaway anyway]
Cowardly Lion: All right, I'monna check her for diseases. There's just one thing I want you to do.
Tin Man/Scarecrow: What's that?
Cowardly Lion: Talk me out of it. [runs off]
Tin Man/Scarecrow: [grabbing Lion] No! No, no, no, no!
[back to reality]
Peter: What the hell is goin' on up there..?!

Brian: Hello Ida.
Ida Quagmire: Hello Brian.
Brian: How are things?
Ida: Good.
Stewie: He threw up when he found out you were a monster.

[after hearing Kevin's story about the death of his bunkmates]
Kevin: So I left.
Joe: How could you do that?!
Mayor Adam West: Coward!
Carter: Traitor!
Chris: If you think I'm gonna masturbate after this tonight, you're right!
Meg: [walks up to Kevin] You don't have to sit here and listen to this! Come on, Kevin. Let's get outta here.
Kevin: Nice try, skank.
Meg: Worth a shot.

[when Kevin offers to read one of his poems]
Brian: If I can guess a line in there, will you not read it?
Kevin: I don't think you'll be able to guess a line.
Brian: Is it something like, "Ice burns as hot as fire?"
Kevin: Okay. We're done here.

Kevin: Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do. But I walked away from an illegal war of aggression, being fought six thousand miles away from our shores.
Carter: Better there than here, where all my stuff is.
Peter: So, you just figured you'd let them get away with 9/11?
Kevin: Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, and the war we started in Iraq has killed almost a half a million of their people, which is like 200 9/11's.
Quagmire: So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events mean nothing to you.

Brian: Look. I think you guys are all rushing to judge Kevin without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes. He saw horrific things in a horrific war that only one other person here could possibly come close to understanding... Ida. [Brian gestures to her] She was in the military, she's seen battle, she's seen innocent people butchered by war machines. And I'm sure that Ida, more than anyone else here, can understand and support the choice that Kevin made.
Ida: No, Brian. I do not understand Kevin's choice and I do not support it.
Brian: Okay, well, that's just some dumb drag queen.
Ida: Son... When you go to war, you don't end up fighting for your country or your family or your flag. You're fighting for your fellow soldiers there in the foxhole with you. You walked out on those men, and that's what's most unforgivable.
Kevin: You know what, everyone?! Forget it! Up til today, you guys thought I was dead. Well, I'm not. But after all this? Dad, you may as well take me to prison because right now, I wish I WAS dead.
Lois: If anyone has wanted whipped cream on their pie, it's not my fault. I can't get a fucking word in edgewise around here.

[After Joe remembers the family that was homeless in the flashback]
Kevin: You know what you were doing that day dad? You were breaking the law. You know what your duty told you to do. But instead, you did what you thought was right.
Joe: I haven't thought about that family in years.
Kevin: I think about them all the time, and that example you set for me, that was the reason I left Iraq.
Peter: It sucks how early I have to work tomorrow.
Joe: Well, Kevin, I can't say I agree with your choice. Not one bit. But sometimes a man has to do what he thinks is right. And if you thought what you did was right, I guess I can accept it. Glad you're home, son.
Kevin: Me too.

Barbara: Happy Thanksgiving! We brought chicken wings!
Ida: Oh, yum! I hope they're the kind with the bone removed!

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