[Peter walks to the stairs and falls down screaming]
Peter: Ah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Peter: This is driving me nuts. Was one of the dwarves named Snappy? Kind of well-dressed, or am I just making that up? [Peter falls down the stairs again] Ah! Ah! Ow! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Cock! Cock!

[Brian talks to Stewie while Peter, all padded up with pillows, attempts to walk down the stairs again in the background]
Brian: I'm supposed to have dinner with her tomorrow night and her parents are going to see that I'm a dog!
[Peter falls in the background] Yah! Ow! Ow! Ow! Fuck! Fuck! Fucking cock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Stewie: Of course, the most important part of any workout is a proper cool-down and stretch. [pushes on the stair and gets a splinter] Aaaggh!
Brian: What? What is it?
Stewie: I've got a splinter! [starts crying]
Lois: [picks him up] Oh my God! Stewie, what is it?
Brian: Oh, he just got a splinter.
Lois: Oh, my poor baby. It's 'cause these old stairs are just falling apart.
Brian: It's not just the stairs. Meg has spent two days pinned under a roof beam.
[Meg is under a roof beam, depressed]
Lois: Let's just focus on the stairs, Brian.

Japanese guy 1: Hey, you wanna see a movie?
Japanese guy 2: Nah we're Japanese, let's go watch a school girl bang an octopus!
Both: [While high fiving] Yeah!
[An anime octopus slides onto the screen]
Octopus: Oide dakishimete ageruyo, suction cup feel goooood!
[An anime school girl slides onto the screen while the octopus goes after her]
School girl: [high-pitched] Hiiiiiiiiii !
Octopus: Hmmmm Ha ha haayy...

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