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The Boys in the Band/Quotes

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Lois: Brian, this does not seem appropriate to watch in front of the baby.
Stewie: Not appropriate? You took me to see Magic Mike XXL.
[Cutaway to Lois trying to find dry a seat in the theater]
Lois: Oh, this one's wet. Ugh, this one too. Also wet. Huh, this one's dry, but the back of the seat in front of it is wet.

Stewie: Ooh, I'm excited. This'll be great and those guys back at the factory can suck it.
[Cutaway to Stewie and some other people working at a construction site]
Stewie: I'm gunna get out of this place one day.
Female Worker: Hey, Butch. Get a load of Stewie. He says he's gonna get out of here.
[Workers laugh]
Stewie: You don't know me, man. I'm different. I got ideas.
Female Worker: Hey, Butch. You hear that? Stewie's got ideas.
Stewie: Shut up! I'm gonna go across that river and make it to the city on the other side. I'm gonna be a singer.
Female Worker: Bublé over here says he's gonna be a singer.
Male Worker: Hey, Bublé. I got a tune for you to sing. It's called "Get your ass back on the forklift. Lunch is over."
Butch: Hey, Stewie. Don't listen to those guys. Follow your heart.
Stewie: Shut up, Butch. You're the loser of this crew. Hey guys. You hear that? Butch told me to follow my heart!

Chris: I can't work. I'm too young.
Peter: Well, Will Smith's little kid works as a movie star, even though he looks like a wet baby horse.

Peter: Chris is looking for work. Maybe he can help you out. Be your assistant.
Quagmire: Huh, maybe. [to Chris] Do you have any references?
Chris: Uh, Cowabunga, Schwing, Yadda Yadda Yadda.
Quagmire: Those are pretty good references. You're hired.

Olivia: Stewie? Oh, I thought that was you.
Stewie: Hey, Olivia, Hey! What brings you here?
Olivia: Oh, the birthday boy and I met at Burt Reynolds' acting camp in Jupiter, Florida.
Stewie: Well, I'm glad to hear you're still acting. You know, the last time I saw you, you were...
Olivia: Burning in a cardboard house?
Stewie: Yep, burning in a cardboard house, yeah.

Olivia: Great crowd babe.
Brian: What are you...what is this?
Stewie: Oh Olivia is the president of our fan club. She's also doing half the band.
Brian: Do you even know what that means?
Stewie: Uh let's just say I couldn't toddle right for a week.
Brian: Okay you know.
Olivia: Alright if you'll excuse me I have a poo poo diaper.

Petting Zoo Guy: It's a hot crowd out there. Have fun out there. I'm gonna go feed everything in my van to each other.

Peter: Oh, hey, Chris. How's the job hunt going?
Chris: Terrible. I can't find a job anywhere. A lot of people seem to be turned off by my dishonorable discharge.
Peter: What, from the army?
Chris: No, it's a euphemism.
Peter: Oh, yucky.

Brian: Hey, let's keep this party rolling. I'll go get us another badly scratched pitcher of soda.
[Brian leaves]
Olivia: Ugh, finally, he's doing something useful.
Stewie: What? What do you mean?
Olivia: Nothing, it's just, you write all the songs, you've got a better voice, you've got the sweet bod.
Stewie: Oh my God, babe.
Olivia: Plus, you've got all the cool catchphrases like "Damn you all" and "What the dude" or whatever.
Stewie: Uh, it's ... it's "Deuce", uh but yeah ... yeah ... yeah you're right. I ... I do. Does it sound through the mic like I'm saying "Dude?" Should it be "Dude?"

Quagmire: You know, you're doing a great job, Chris. Why don't you jerk the rest of the day off?

Olivia: The clock is ticking on Stewie's cuteness.
Brian: Huh. Well, I guess you're right. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if he end up looking like an exact mash-up of Lois and Peter.
[Cutaway to Stewie as an adult, looking like both Lois and Peter]
Stewie: Heh heh heh heh heh heh, groceries.

Stewie: Fine, go ahead! It's not going to be the same! Like Cheers wasn't the same when they brought in Kirstie Alley!
[Cutaway to an episode of Cheers, where "Norm" walks into the bar]
Crew: Norm!
Rebecca: No, I'm ... I'm Rebecca.

Peter: Meg, do you know how to use Microsoft Excel?
Meg: Yeah, I'm actually pretty good.
Peter: Yeah, you would, dork!
[Meg leaves the table in anger]
Peter: But, I do need to make that spread sheet or I'm fired.

Lois: Oh my God! Peter, our dishwasher is full of sex toys!
Peter: Oh, yeah. Chris put those in there. It's for his job. He's working for Quagmire now.
Lois: He's washing sextoys for Quagmire?
Peter: Not just that, he also takes pictures of Quagmire's genitals and to track sore growth. So brace yourself when you open iphoto. It's on the Griffin family account.
Lois: Peter, my parents have access to that.
[Cutaway to Carter on the Griffin Family website]
Carter: What's wrong with this worm?

[Mort is dressed in a S&M horse costume]
Mort: Well, that's what I got for horsing around.
[Peter tries to hit a baseball with a bat, but misses]
Peter: Ah, your joke wasn't funny enough.

Stewie: Hey, I wonder if she's gonna keep the band going.
Brian: Probably. She told me she was just gonna replace me with another dog.
Stewie: Yes, but who?
Brian: I don't know. Probably some dog neither you or I have ever met.
[Cutaway to Olivia in the band with Vinny]
Vinny: Alright, listen up you little pieces of garbage. This song is about getting heart-burn from baked clams and other kid stuff.

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