Tom: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, tonight's second story.

[Stewie walks into the room, groaning in pain]
Brian: What's wrong with you?
Stewie: It's my back. It's killing me.
Brian: Yeah, I'm not falling for that hot oil massage bit again.
Stewie: No, this time it's not a bit. I'm really hurt. I must have jacked it up, playing sports and not trying to dance like Beyoncé.

Al Harrington: Good afternoon and welcome to today's auction. I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to the presence of black mold, discarded half-eaten turkey legs, and an undulating rat king that no one dares approach, I have been advised to move these proceedings along as quickly as possible.

Al Harrington: Do I hear higher than twenty five cents?
Peter: This paper bag, which could be full of money or my socks. You take the chance.
Al Harrington: We have an intriguing mystery bag. Do I hear more than the mystery bag?
Adam West: Two bets and a cardboard box, which may or may not contain a mystery bag.

Al Harrington: Do I hear a much higher bid, followed by shocked murmuring?
Adam West: Ten thousand dollars!
[The crowd gasps and murmurs in shock]
Joe: We can't afford that!
Quagmire: Peter, do something!
Peter: I can't! There's only nine thousand dollars in the mystery bag!

Peter: Archers!
[Carl comes out]
Carl: Yeah?
Peter: Oh, yeah, he's that guy too.

Dr. Hartman: He just needs to wear this brace for a while, to correct him.
[Dr. Hartman puts a back brace on Stewie]
Lois: Oh, dear.
Dr. Hartman: Now, does he have any school pictures coming up?
Lois: Yeah, he actually does.
Dr. Hartman: Well, then this will not be a refrigerator door year.

Dr. Hartman: Wow, that patient, next door is fat!
Patient: [offscreen] I can hear you!
Dr. Hartman: Uh, that wasn't me, that was Mrs. Griffin.

[Peter gets a semen-drenched couch cushion stuck to his butt]
Peter: Oh, for God sake.
Joe: You're gonna have a baby in your butt, man.

Quagmire: Can't leave. Heather, within 5 miles is coming.
[A creepy, pale-skinned girl comes to Quagmire's door]
Heather: Are you Glenn, within 5 miles? I can take my glass eye out if you wanna try something different.
Cleveland: I got a good feeling about her. Maybe she's the one.

Stewie: Watch me jump this line. [nudges his way through the line] Scuse me, I have scoliosis. Scuse me, scoliosis coming though.
[A guy with polio stops him]
Guy with polio: Hey pal, polio.

Peter: Guys, I've been to the doctor's. I do have a baby in my butt.

Stewie: You've got to take me to the hospital!
Brian: Absolutely. Let me just watch Jennifer's Body and we'll go.
Stewie: Brian, there's no nudity in that movie. Take me to the hospital!
Brian: What, so it's rated R for curses? God, this country.

[Brian and Stewie walk out of the hospital, with Stewie wearing a head brace.]
Stewie: Is it- Is it noticeable?
Brian: Eh, nothing that can't be fixed with a string of chili pepper Christmas lights.
Stewie: [narrating] I wore that brace for the next five years of my life. The kids stopped cheering the second day. Then it was just "Get off the swing, you Christmas turd!"

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