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The Fat Guy Strangler/Quotes

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< The Fat Guy Strangler

Peter Griffin: Sometimes I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party.
[cutaway to Lois as a young woman wearing a purple tanktop and long purple pants, and Peter as a young man wearing a light blue shirt and dark blue pants. Lois is holding onto him, walking out of a bar]
Lois Griffin: Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here! Let's get you home.
Peter Griffin: [drunk] Wow, strange lady! You're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's me!
Peter Griffin: You know what? Screw it. I am so gonna cheat on Lois right now. I don't care if she finds out.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I-
Peter Griffin: You got a condom? N-never mind. [pulls a candy wrapper out of his pocket] I got this Milky Way wrapper.

[Peter throws the tail half of a horse suit to Brian]
Peter Griffin: Put this on.
Brian Griffin: Why?
Peter Griffin: Because, I'm skipping my physical to go have steaks with the guys, and I don't want Lois to know about it.
Brian Griffin: Um...okay.
[in the next scene, the horse suit walks past the couch that Lois is sitting on]
Peter Griffin: [inside the horse suit] Lois, I'm going to my physical now.
Lois Griffin: Okay, hunny, I'll see you later.
[Peter and Brian are in the car driving to the steak house]
Brian Griffin: Um...what, what the hell. I'll just ask it: Why did we need the horse suit for that?

[At Jamie Mack's House of Steaks]
Joe Swanson: Oh, I can't do it [eat a steak], I'm...I'm so full.
Peter Griffin: Full of what, estrogen? C'mon, take the skirt off, you pansy!
Joe Swanson: Oh.
Quagmire: Let's go! Chow down, Mary Jane!
Joe Swanson: I said I can't.
Brian Griffin: Eat it! Eat the damn steak!
Peter Griffin: C'mon, what are you waiting for?
Joe Swanson: I can't. No, no, no...
Glenn Quagmire: Eat it, Joe, eat it!
Joe Swanson: I SAID I'M NOT HUNGRY! [takes out his gun and fires at the steak] WHERE IS IT NOW, HUH? WHERE IS IT NOW?! [everyone puts their hands up]
Cleveland Brown: Easy, sailor, easy.
Peter Griffin: Put the gun down, Joe.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, nobody's judging you, man. It's cool. I'll just put this [gun] back in your purse next to your tampons.

[Lois is watching The Price is Right on TV]
Bob Barker: All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set?
Jennifer: Um...$675, Bob.
Bob Barker: $675. Stephen?
Stephen: Uh, $780.
Bob Barker: $780. Tammy?
Tammy: What was the last bid?
Bob Barker: $780.
Tammy: $781.
Stephen: Fuck you!
[Peter enters the house]
Lois Griffin: Hi, hunny. How was your physical?
Peter Griffin: Uh, good, good, good, yeah, yeah. Uh, too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy. You know? In-in-in too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape.
Lois Griffin: You didn't go to your physical, did you?
Peter Griffin: Uh, I did not.

Lois Griffin: So, Doctor, is Peter healthy?
Dr. Hartman: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month!
Peter and Lois: What?
Dr. Hartman: [pulls out a newspaper] Oh, Hägar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter Griffin: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?
Dr. Hartman: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Aaaahhh! [Lois and Peter gasp as Hartman drops the folder] There's a spider in here! [picks up the folder again, and a spider falls out of it] Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. [Lois and Peter gasp. Hartman pulls Peter's driver's license out of the folder] This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Lois Griffin: Oh! [Peter gasps with her]
Dr. Hartman: [pulls out a video from the shelf] ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts!
Lois Griffin: WILL YOU JUST TELL US HOW PETER'S HEALTH IS?
Dr. Hartman: Uh, Mr. Griffin, i'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim...Basinger? Bay-Basinger? Ba-Basenger? Baysinger? Hm. But now, onto the cancer.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God! [Peter gasps with her]
Dr. Hartman: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, onto these test results. [pulls a paper out of the folder] My, they're much worse than I thought. [Lois and Peter gasp] My son got a D- on his history test. Now, Mr. Griffin, that liver's gotta come out.
Peter Griffin: Wah!
Lois Griffin: What?
Dr. Hartman: It's been in the microwave for three minutes! [pulls a liver out of a microwave] It'll get dry. Now...
Lois Griffin: Please... please... we can't take any more schtick! Please, just tell us. Is Peter healthy?
Dr. Hartman: Oh, yeah, he's fine. He's just really fat.
Lois Griffin: Oh, thank God.
Peter Griffin: Wait, wait, wait, hang-hang-hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat?
Dr. Hartman: Well...uh, yeah. You-you are pretty fat.
Peter Griffin: Um...okay...this is news to me. Uh...boy, this is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore.
[cutaway to Peter in bed with a rhinoceros]
Peter Griffin: Why wouldn't you look at me during? [the rhino gets out of bed and leaves; Peter cries.]

[on the phone]
Carter Pewtershmidt: Hello, Pumpkin.
Lois Griffin: Hello, Daddy?
Carter Pewtershmidt: Did I miss your piano recial?
Lois Griffin: No, Daddy, I'm in my forties now.
Carter Pewtershmidt: Good God!

Stewie: My God, how does she sleep at night knowing she has to funnel that old duffer's hog?

Stewie: Oh – hey, Brian, you know what'll be fun? [whispers inaudibly to Brian]
Brian: Oh God, totally.
[next thing, they both toboggan Carter and Babs down the staircase]
Brian/Stewie: Yeeaaaahh!/Oooooooooh! [Carter and Babs bounce further, completely unnoticed. Both high five] Awesome!

Stewie Griffin: You know, sometimes the old-fashioned playthings are the best.
[cutaway to a commercial]
TV commercial announcer: Hey, kids of America, it's hand-painted, wooden Ball in a Cup! Who needs constant electronic video stimulation when there's Ball in a Cup, Mexico's favorite toy for over 340 years! Toss the ball, catch it in the cup, dump it out of the cup, toss it, and catch it in the cup again. The ball is on a string and attached to the cup, so there's no worry if you don't catch the ball in the cup, and clean-up is as easy as catching a ball in a cup! So why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup when you could be catching a ball in a cup?
Kids: Ball in a Cup, Ball in a Cup, it's a Ball in a Cup!
Boy: Ball in a Cup!
Kids: Ball in a Cup!
...
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, I didn't catch the ball in the cup! Oh, wait a minute, it's okay because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

Brian: Peter, I think maybe you're in denial about this fat thing.
Peter: Oh, yeah? Well, I challenge you to prove to me that I'm fat.
Brian: Uhh – okay, hang on. See this?
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: Y'know what it is?
Peter: Uh – duhh, it's an apple.
Brian: Good, good, good. Alright, watch this.
[Brian throws the apple on Peter's waist, which mysteriously floats around his torso]
Peter: What the hel—? What is this? What's this, some kinda gag?
Brian: Uh no, that's orbit.
Peter: Huh?
Brian: You have your own gravitational pull.
Peter: Oh, that's a bunch of crap.
[Brian throws a book, a glass of iced water (following the apple's direction) and he leaves the couch. He returns carrying the TV and throws to Peter's orbit]
Announcer: Now back to The Three Stooges.
Peter: Hehehehehehehehe—aww. Ehehehehehehehehe—aww. Yehehehehehehehe—aww.

Peter Griffin: Alright, listen up, everybody. I have something to tell you. I'm not quite sure how to say this...I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that. That's the way it is, it's nobody's fault...Meg. But, I've decided to do something about it.
Meg Griffin: Oh, great. You gonna drop some weight, fat-ass?
Peter Griffin: No, dummy! I'm gonna help make this a fat man's world, by establishing the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People!

Peter Griffin/Jackie Gleason [repeated line]: Pow! Right in the kisser!

Stewie Griffin: My god, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar! Find your penis! One dollar! One dollar! Find your penis! Find your penis here!

[Brian and Lois enter Patrick's room, photos of himself strangling fat people are covering the walls].
Lois Griffin: So he has a few pictures of him strangling fat guys, that doesn't make him the fat guy strangler!
Brian Griffin: [runs over to the bed, lifts up the sheet] Oh yeah, What about the dead fat guy under his bed?
Lois Griffin: Coincidence?
Brian Griffin: What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner?
Half-dead Fat Guy: Patrick tried to kill me.
Lois Griffin: Well, maybe it's a different Patrick.
Brian Griffin: Lois!
Lois Griffin: Okay, Okay, Oh god Peter's out there with him!.
Half-dead Fat Guy: Wait!, you gonna eat that dead fat guy?
Lois Griffin: How are we going to find him?
Brian Griffin: Don't worry, Lois, I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina.
[cutaway to a treehouse at Bush's ranch]
Brian Griffin: Uhh, Mr. President, are you up there?
President Bush: Go away.
Brian Griffin: Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans.
President Bush: I'm reading Superfudge.
Brian Griffin: You gotta come down and deal with this.
President Bush: Don't make me do stuff.

[Brian sees a rock on the grass. He picks it up and throws it at Peter]
Peter Griffin: Ahh! You missed!
Brian Griffin: No, I didn't! That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into The General Lee!

[at the very end of the episode]
Stewie Griffin: Uh, I was just upstairs, and there's a half dead fat guy eating a dead fat guy. [no one answers] Uh-huh. So I guess we're just looking the other way, huh?

Previous Episode's Quotes /// The Fat Guy Strangler's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes


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