Peter: Sometimes I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party.
[cutaway to Lois as a young woman holding onto Peter, walking out of a bar]
Lois: Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here! Let's get you home.
Peter: [drunk] Wow, strange lady! You're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois: Peter, it's me!
Peter: You know what? Screw it. I am so gonna cheat on Lois right now. I don't care if she finds out.
Lois: Peter, I...
Peter: You got a condom? N...never mind. I got this Milky Way wrapper.

[Peter throws the tail half of a horse suit to Brian]
Peter: Put this on.
Brian: Why?
Peter: Because, I'm skipping my physical to go have steaks with the guys, and I don't want Lois to know about it.
Brian: Um...okay.
Peter: [inside the horse suit] Lois, I'm going to my physical now.
Lois: Okay, hunny, I'll see you later.
[Peter and Brian are in the car driving to the steak house]
Brian: Um...what, what the hell. I'll just ask it: Why did we need the horse suit for that?

[At the steak house]
Joe: Oh, I can't do it [eat a steak], I'm...I'm so full.
Peter: Full of what, estrogen? C'mon, take the skirt off, you pansy!
Joe: Oh.
Quagmire: Let's go! Chow down, Mary Jane!
Joe: I said I can't.
Brian: Eat it! Eat the damn steak!
Peter: C'mon, what are you waiting for?
Joe: I can't. No, no, no...
Glenn: Eat it, Joe, eat it!
Joe: I SAID I'M NOT HUNGRY! [takes out his gun and fires at the steak] WHERE IS IT NOW, HUH? WHERE IS IT NOW?! [everyone puts their hands up]
Cleveland: Easy, sailor, easy.
Peter: Put the gun down, Joe.
Brian: [picks up the gun] Yeah, nobody's judging you, man. It's cool. I'll just put this back in your purse next to your tampons.

[Lois is watching "The Price is Right"]
Bob Barker: All right, let's start the bidding. Jennifer, how much do you bid on the dinette set?
Jennifer: Um...$675, Bob.
Bob Barker: $675. Stephen?
Stephen: Uh, $780.
Bob Barker: $780. Tammy?
Tammy: What was the last bid?
Bob Barker: $780.
Tammy: $781.
Stephen: Fuck you!
[Peter enters the house]
Lois: Hi, hunny. How was your physical?
Peter: Uh, good, good, good, yeah, yeah. Uh, too good, matter of fact. You know what the doctor said? Doctor said I was too healthy. You know? In-in-in too good of shape. Don't even know how. Too good of shape.
Lois: You didn't go to your physical, did you?
Peter: Uh, I did not.

Lois: So, Doctor, is Peter healthy?
Dr. Hartman: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month!
Peter and Lois: What?
Dr. Hartman: [pulls out a newspaper] Oh, Hägar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.
Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, huh?
Dr. Hartman: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Aaaahhh! [Lois and Peter gasp as Hartman drops the folder] There's a spider in here! [picks up the folder again, and a spider falls out of it] Now, here we go. Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month. [Lois and Peter gasp. Hartman pulls Peter's driver's license out of the folder] This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
Lois: Oh! [Peter gasps with her]
Dr. Hartman: [pulls out a video from the shelf] ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts!
Dr. Hartman: Uh, Mr. Griffin, i'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim...Basinger? Bay-Basinger? Ba-Basenger? Baysinger? Hm. But now, onto the cancer.
Lois: Oh my God!
Dr. Hartman: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, onto these test results. [pulls a paper out of the folder] My, they're much worse than I thought. [Lois and Peter gasp] My son got a D- on his history test. Now, Mr. Griffin, that liver's gotta come out.
Peter: Wah!
Lois: What?
Dr. Hartman: It's been in the microwave for three minutes! [pulls a liver out of a microwave] It'll get dry. Now...
Lois: Please... please... we can't take any more schtick! Please, just tell us. Is Peter healthy?
Dr. Hartman: Oh, yeah, he's fine. He's just really fat.
Lois: Oh, thank God.
Peter: Wait, wait, wait, hang-hang-hang on a second. Did you just say I was fat?
Dr. Hartman: Well...uh, yeah. You-you are pretty fat.
Peter: Um...okay...this is news to me. Uh...boy, this is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore.
[cutaway to Peter in bed with a rhinoceros]
Peter: Why wouldn't you look at me during?

[on the phone]
Carter Pewtershmidt: Hello, Pumpkin.
Lois: Hello, Daddy?
Carter Pewtershmidt: Did I miss your piano recial?
Lois: No, Daddy, I'm in my forties now.
Carter Pewtershmidt: Good God!

Stewie: My God, how does she sleep at night knowing she has to funnel that old duffer's hog?

Stewie: Oh...hey, Brian, you know what'll be fun? [whispers inaudibly to Brian]
Brian: Oh God, totally.
[next thing, they both toboggan Carter and Babs down the staircase]
Brian/Stewie: Yeeaaaahh!/Oooooooooh! [Carter and Babs bounce further, completely unnoticed. Both high five] Awesome!

Stewie: You know, sometimes the old-fashioned playthings are the best.
[cutaway to a commercial]
TV commercial announcer: Hey, kids of America, it's hand-painted, wooden Ball in a Cup! Who needs constant electronic video stimulation when there's Ball in a Cup, Mexico's favorite toy for over 340 years! Toss the ball, catch it in the cup, dump it out of the cup, toss it, and catch it in the cup again. The ball is on a string and attached to the cup, so there's no worry if you don't catch the ball in the cup, and clean-up is as easy as catching a ball in a cup! So why spend another day not catching a ball in a cup when you could be catching a ball in a cup?
Kids: Ball in a Cup, Ball in a Cup, it's a Ball in a Cup!
Boy: Ball in a Cup!
Kids: Ball in a Cup!
Stewie: Oh, no, I didn't catch the ball in the cup! Oh, wait a minute, it's okay because the ball is on a string and attached to the cup.

Brian: Peter, I think maybe you're in denial about this fat thing.
Peter: Oh, yeah? Well, I challenge you to prove to me that I'm fat.
Brian: Uhh...okay, hang on. See this?
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: Y'know what it is?
Peter: Uh...duhh, it's an apple.
Brian: Good, good, good. Alright, watch this.
[Brian throws the apple on Peter's waist, which mysteriously floats around his torso]
Peter: What the hel...? What is this? What's this, some kinda gag?
Brian: Uh no, that's orbit.
Peter: Huh?
Brian: You have your own gravitational pull.
Peter: Oh, that's a bunch of crap.
[Brian throws a book, a glass of iced water [following the apple's direction] and he leaves the couch. He returns carrying the TV and throws to Peter's orbit]
Announcer: Now back to The Three Stooges.
Peter: Hehehehehehehehe—aww. Ehehehehehehehehe—aww. Yehehehehehehehe—aww.

Peter: Alright, listen up, everybody. I have something to tell you. I'm not quite sure how to say this...I'm fat. Let me give you a minute to absorb that. That's the way it is, it's nobody's fault...Meg. But, I've decided to do something about it.
Meg: Oh, great. You gonna drop some weight, fat-ass?
Peter: No, dummy! I'm gonna help make this a fat man's world, by establishing the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People!

Peter Griffin/Jackie Gleason: Pow! Right in the kisser!

Stewie: My God, look at you fat bastards. I bet none of you can even find your own penis. Find your penis for a dollar! Find your penis! One dollar! One dollar! Find your penis! Find your penis here!

[Brian and Lois enter Patrick's room, photos of himself strangling fat people are covering the walls]
Lois: So he has a few pictures of him strangling fat guys, that doesn't make him the fat guy strangler!
Brian: [runs over to the bed, lifts up the sheet] Oh yeah, What about the dead fat guy under his bed?
Lois: Coincidence?
Brian: What about the half-dead fat guy in the corner?
Half-dead Fat Guy: Patrick tried to kill me.
Lois: Well, maybe it's a different Patrick.
Brian: Lois!
Lois: Okay, Okay, Oh God Peter's out there with him!.
Half-dead Fat Guy: Wait!, you gonna eat that dead fat guy?
Lois: How are we going to find him?
Brian: Don't worry, Lois, I'm good at finding people. I was the one who found Bush after Hurricane Katrina.
[cutaway to a treehouse at Bush's ranch]
Brian: Uhh, Mr. President, are you up there?
President Bush: Go away.
Brian: Sir, there's a disaster in New Orleans.
President Bush: I'm reading Superfudge.
'Brian: You gotta come down and deal with this.
President Bush: Don't make me do stuff.

[Brian sees a rock on the grass. He picks it up and throws it at Peter]
Peter: Ahh! You missed!
Brian: No, I didn't! That's for rolling up the damn window when I tried to jump into The General Lee!

Stewie: Uh, I was just upstairs, and there's a half dead fat guy eating a dead fat guy. [no one answers] Uh-huh. So I guess we're just looking the other way, huh?

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