Brian: Ugh, this is gonna suck. Eighty percent of these acts are either air guitar or girls dancing to songs from Frozen.

Lois: I'm glad you finally agreed to have the cataract surgery, Daddy.
Carter: I wish I hadn't. I can't see anything now. This is terrible.
Lois: Well, that ... that's why the whole family came to support you.
Carter: Oh, really? Oh, wow. That's so kind. Who's here?
Lois: Oh, uh, ... well, as you know. I'm here.
Carter: Who else?
Lois: Uh, Stewie and Brian.
Brian: Hey, hope you feel better soon.
Carter: That doesn't sound like the whole family.
Lois: [imitating Peter] Hey, hope those eyes get better soon, pop. It's me, Peter. Shipoopi.
Carter: Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.
Lois: [mimicking Chris] I'm here too, grandpa. [as herself] And, uh, and Meg went down to ... to put money in the meter.
Carter: Ah, I don't care.

Dr. Hartman: I recommend you and your wife have someone around to help you at this time.
Lois: Well, I'd love to help you, Daddy, but Stewie's just been so fussy lately. He's constantly crying for no reason.
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm fine.
[Lois flicks Stewie's head, making him cry]
Stewie: Ow! Bitch! She does this a lot!

Cleveland: I always liked the violin, cuz it kind of has curves like a lady.

Peter: I bought this jacket, like what Bugs Bunny wears when he's with that opera guy.
Cleveland: Wow, that looks sharp.
Peter: Yeah, I've been practicing how to sit down in it.
[Peter sits down and it starts dripping at the tails]
Quagmire: Ew, Peter. Those tails are soaking wet.
Peter: They may have been in the toilet.

Joe: I haven't seen him this upset, since he got caught, using that fake ID.
[Cutaway to Peter at the grocery store check out]
Check Out Guy: Can I see your ID, please?
[Peter gives him the ID of Kathy Bates]
Check Out Guy: Give me one second. [gets on the phone] Uh, sir? That lady who came in and ate all the pies is back.

Dr. Hartman: See if you can tell me where Waldo is.
Carter: He's right there, buying an ice cream cone.
Dr. Hartman: Dammit. I've been stuck on that page for two days.

Brian: I guess I got used to being a little pampered at Carter's.
Stewie: Well, I'd be careful with your uptown ways. Some of the other kids don't like it.
Chris: He thinks he's better than us.
Meg: What time are you going to bed, fancy boy?
Brian: I don't know, 9:00.
Meg: 9:00, Chris.

Stewie: Brian, you're not kidding anyone. We all know you don't care about Carter. You only care about his money.
Brian: No, no, no. He knows I'm his friend.
Stewie: Yeah, right. That's what Woody thought about Buzz Lightyear.
[Woody walks in on Buzz Lightyear and Bo Peep having sex]
Woody: Bo Peep! Wha...what's going on here?
Bo Peep:'ve got a friend in me?

Peter: I'll be ready, unlike Lois, getting dressed for a night out.
[Cutaway to Lois, grabbing Peter by the ear]
Lois: Tell them the truth.
Peter: It's me! It's me! I'm the one who takes too long to get ready. It's cuz I don't have any nice clothes.
[Lois yanks on Peter's ear]
Lois: Peter!
Peter: Alright, it's cuz I don't like the way I look!

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