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The Former Life of Brian/Quotes

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[Brian is trying to learn magic to impress a woman]
Stewie: Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show!
Brian: Really?
Stewie: Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Saw me in half.

[Stewie is dressed as a girl in a red dress for Brian's magic act]
Stewie: I can't believe I agreed to four costume changes. Oh, who am I kidding? I insisted on it.

Brian: Well, I suppose I could look her up. I just wonder if she'd even want to see me. I wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world.
[cutaway to Brian and a young, attractive Tracy talking on a couch]
Tracy: ...And then, in high school, I was violated sexually by my father. It happened on numerous occasions, and I was too afraid to tell anyone because I felt like, somehow, it was my fault.
Brian: [pause] Sooo... you do go all the way?

Stewie: Brian, now that I think about it, how can you possibly have a thirteen-year-old son when you yourself are only seven?
Brian: Well, those are dog years.
Stewie: That doesn't make any sense.
Brian: You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.

Lois: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.
Lois: What?
Peter: What?

[Tracy has dropped off Dylan at the Griffins' house]
Lois: Well, we can't just turn him away, Brian. After all, he is family.
Brian: I don't know. W-where's he gonna sleep?
Lois: He could sleep in Stewie's room. [to Stewie; sweet-talking] Would you like that, sweetie?
Stewie: [sarcastically] No, my pants just got shorter 'cause I hated the idea.

Lois: Brian, you have got to get Dylan under control. He's terrorizing the whole family.
Peter: Yeah, you wouldn't believe what he did to Meg yesterday. He made her watch the other 178 hours of Monty Python stuff that isn't funny or memorable.
[cutaway to Meg tied to a chair in the attic, sitting in front of a TV playing "Monty Python"]
Man: I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy, and I shall walk her to town. And each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say "Boing! Boing! Boing!"
Meg: I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches!

Brian: Don't worry, I've got it under control, Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.
Stewie: [on the baby monitor] Hey, Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.
Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude?
Stewie: Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a "Naked Tea Party". Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag. That something that interests you, my friend?
Dylan: You're weird.
Stewie: Yeah, and you're attractive. NOW TAKE YOUR FUCKING PANTS OFF!
Dylan: I'm outta here.
Stewie: Oh, did you see that, Rupert? How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.

Tracy: Who wants a half and half?
Stewie: Oh, I'll throw my hat into that ring.

Stewie: [Dressed like a rabbit inside a top hat] That was a lot of effort for nothing, like trying to tell Matthew McConaughey how much he sucks.
[Cutaway scene to Stewie in a diner with Matthew]
Stewie: You know Matthew, I may not get another chance to say this, so I just want to get this off my chest: you are just awful. You are one of the worst actors in the history of film and I think that you need to go away."
Matthew McConaughey: "Aw thanks, man. The truth is I spend at least 90% of my year going away, exploring exploring exotic places, having sex with my beautiful girlfriend and just doing sit-ups. I mean that's really, then counting money. Money that I made off those terrible films that i put out into the American populous because they just love to see me, doing what it is that I do.
Stewie: Yes, but you're not hearing me. Dazed and Confused was the one thing that was passable. After that...
Matthew McConuaghey: Aw, thanks man. That actually launched my career."
Stewie: After that, e-everything else was awful. Contact, the...they didn't even need you. They didn't even need you in that movie. They could've done the whole movie without you.
Matthew McConaughey: I know, I said the same thing; but they were just like 'aw, we just need a good-looking guy with a great ass and some tight abs who can just provide some down-home enthusiasm in this picture.' Something to counterbalance Jodie Foster. They took her to be slightly cold, uh, unapproachable, do ya know? So they put me in there. I said it didn't make any sense. I said the same thing about that Bill Murray elephant movie. But they were like: 'oh but the audiences need you.'
Stewie: You make me physically sick to my stomach, and I wish that you would get a heart attack.
Matthew McConaughey: I totally feel ya man. The truth of the matter is, I don't like my movies either. But, uh, man, they just keep offering me money, and I do it, and I get to go around the world. I mean, did you see Sahara?!? HAHA! But I'll tell you what that movie gave me was an opportunity to take an Airstream all across the country and sell that picture one person at a time.
Stewie: You suck donkey ass.
Matthew McConaughey: Now, you can't prove that!

[at the The Drunken Clam watching the news]
Tom Tucker: We interrupt this program to bring you grim news out of LaGuardia Airport where a 767 has been forced to make a crash landing
Brian: Ohh man I'll tell ya, now that I'm a parent I can't even watch stories like that, I just think, you know, I just think oh my god what if Dylan were on that plane? Oh my god! I just don't know what I'd do! I don't know what I would do.
Glen: Yeah, yeah I understand that'd be tough
Brian: Oh oh no oh no, no no no Quagmire, no you do not understand. Until you have a child, until you have a child, you do not understand. Okay?
Glen: Damn it
Peter: It's been like this all week. Watch this... Hey Brian what would you do if Dylan fell out a window?
Brian: Oh my God! Oh my God I don't even want to think about that! I don't even want to think about that! Oh God! Oh my God! Oh no!
Glen: Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire?
Brian: Oh my God! Oh no! Oh my God! Oh that's, oh God! Oh no no no! Knock on wood Knock on wood Knock on wood! Oh I can't hear anymore of this!
[Brian leaves]
Joe: Peter your dog is giving me diabetes.

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