Peter: Where will you two be going on your scummymoon? And can I plan your bridal golden shower?

Peter: Your new wife is a human toilet.

[After finding out that he could lose everything in a divorce from Charmisse]
Quagmire: I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up.
Peter: Let her suck it up, she's the expert. Sorry, keep going.

Lois: Welcome to our home Charmisse. Sit anywhere you like. That chair with the garbage bag taped over it looks pretty good.

Stewie: Meg you look pretty next to her.

Charmisse: Unfortunately I can't have children.
Lois: Oh, menopause?
Charmisse: No, I got knifed in the vagina one Christmas.
Brian: Ah, the holidays are always stressful.

Quagmire: I need you to have sex with me while she watches.
Peter: I have some demands.

Quagmire: What the fuck is going on with my life?

Peter: I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt. There's a whole man around it you have to please.

Charmisse: Look Glenn, you're obviously not gay.
Quagmire: [stammering] Yes, I am!
Peter: Well I'm something 'cause I've been at full sail for the last half-hour.

Peter: Hey Quagmire, why is the red light blinkin' on your computer?
[At the Griffin home, the family stares in horror at a laptop screen as Stewie walks in]
Stewie: What are we watching? Glee?

Lois: Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy!

Peter: Was Beowulf a Teen Wolf sequel with Scott Baio?
Joe: No.
Peter: [Sighs] Then I just totally failed that Medieval Lit. midterm.

Dr. Hartman: Charmisse, when's the last time you had a pelvic exam?
Charmisse: When was the Missouri Compromise?
Dr. Hartman: I think 1821.
Charmisse: Then I've never had a pelvic exam.

Charmisse: I would like to pawn all these clothes for crack money.

Charmisse: Hey. Let's do it.
Quagmire: What, you mean, like, sex?
Charmisse: Yeah, and we should go now; I just stuffed everything back into place.

Charmisse: I haven't gone two weeks without sex since I was in a coma for six weeks.

Charmisse: Gay men don't watch straight porn!

Charmisse: I'm sorry my urine melted a hole through your toilet.

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