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The Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair/Quotes

< The Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair

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Lois Griffin: Oh, hi, Bonnie. What's up?
Bonnie Swanson: Hi, Lois, I hate to bother you, but I'm going out of town for a few days to visit my father in the hospital. I was hoping that while I was gone, you could look in on Susie and Joe.
Glenn Quagmire: And go have sex with Quagmire.
Lois & Bonnie: Quagmire!
Glenn Quagmire: Shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying. Giggity Giggity Giggity!
Lois Griffin: Well, of course, Bonnie. I'd love to help.
Bonnie Swanson: Thank you so much, Lois.
Lois Griffin: No problem.
[Bonnie leave and Lois close the door]
Lois Griffin: Meg? [She walks to the kitchen] Meg, sweetie?
Meg Griffin: Yeah, Mom?
Lois Griffin: Bonnie wants you to look after Susie and Joe while she's out of town.
Meg Griffin: What? Why me? I don't want to have to do that.
Lois Griffin: And Bonnie said you are very pretty.
Meg Griffin: But I... How did that come up?
Lois Griffin: Oh! You know, we were talking about pretty people. And I said Rachel Maddow, and she kind of took the baton from there and said Meg Griffin.
Meg Griffin: Who's Rachel Maddow?
Lois Griffin: A model.
Meg Griffin: Oh.
Lois Griffin: Yeah.
Meg Griffin: Okay, I'll do it.

Stewie Griffin: Well, you said it couldn't be done, Brian, but I created an exact replica of the Raytheon executive headquarters in El Segundo, California. Look at your fucking face. I hope you like egg, my friend.
Boy: [He kicks the sand then laughing mockingly] Whoops!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, hey, excuse me, fella?
Boy: Yeah, what do you want, shrimp?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, just a few moments of your time. Hang on. Let me just get this little guy assembled. [Humming] So where you from?
Boy: Newburyport. What's it to you?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I'm just always interested in where people are from. Everybody's got a story, that's what I believe. All right, I think we're all set here.
[The rifle falls to pieces as the boy walks away laughing at Stewie]
Brian Griffin: Wow. Never seen that happen before.
Stewie Griffin: What the devil happened here? I've assembled that rifle a million times.
Brian Griffin: Well, I don't know if it's just the rifle.
Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about?
Brian Griffin: Well, I mean, you weren't exactly focused on what you were doing.
Stewie Griffin: Brian, if you've got something to say to me...
Brian Griffin: All right, I think you're going soft. I mean, when was the last time you tried to blow something up, or take over the world, or even used the phrase, "Damn you"?
Stewie Griffin: Hey, I got a lot on my plate, man. I'm learning to use the toilet, I'm learning what shapes are. I spent half an hour laughing at my own feet yesterday.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, you're losing it, man. You're losing your edge.
Stewie Griffin: Well, I don't care for your tone and I'd say you deserve a good kick in the...[Laughing] Look! Brian, look at them!

Joe: Is Lady Gaga a douche?

Joe: What's with the get-up?
Meg: Oh, nothing. I just wanted to look sexy for Susie.

Meg: Thanks for being so understanding. I hope I didn't get you into too much trouble. I mean, you're not going to go to jail or anything, are you?
Bonnie: No, I'll be around. I need these voice-over checks to support my gambling addiction.

[Brian is tied to a flagpole in the park waiting for Evil Stewie]
Brian: Evil Stewie? Wherever you are, if you can hear me, I'm completely defenseless right now.
[Evil Stewie comes out from a behind a tree with a laser gun]
Brian: Okay, there you are.
Evil Stewie: Well, this is a gift, Brian. Thank you for making it so easy.
Brian: Hey, well, you know, you're doing me a favor. I've had enough. I can't live with that stupid family anymore. Do me a favor and end it all for me, will you?
Evil Stewie: Delighted to oblige, Brian.
[Evil Stewie aims the gun at Brian and prepares to fire when Stewie jumps from the tree and tackles his evil clone. The two Stewies fight it out, losing their clothes in the process, while Brian manages to free himself, take the gun and aim at the two identical Stewies]
Brian: Oh, come on, not this thing! Really?
Stewie #1: Brian, it's me, Stewie. Shoot him!
Stewie #2: No! Brian, you know me. Look at me. Shoot him.
Brian: All right, there's only one way to settle this. Look at your feet.
Stewie #1: Why? They're just feet.
Stewie #2: [giggling] Wh...What are they doing down there? They're like leg hands!
[Brian aims the gun at Evil Stewie and shoots him dead]
Stewie: Nice job, man!
Brian: Wow!
Stewie: That was really brilliant.
Brian: Thanks. Just glad this nightmare is over. And I'm really glad I didn't kill the wrong Stewie.
Stewie: Yeah, me, too. Hey, come on, I'll take you home.

Peter: [dressed up like Meg] Heh, heh, I stole Meg's cutaway.

Susie: [thought] This is Patrick Stewart. How are you liking the program so far?

Meg: We haven't made love in 2 weeks!
Joe: We haven't made love ever!

Meg: Sometimes, it's really hard being me. So I guess I just make "Meg-a-naid."
Joe: That sounds disgusting.

Evil Stewie: oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no
[Kool-Aid Man crashes through the wall]
Kool-Aid Man: OH YEAH!

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