Stewie: Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager who stays backstage and cries because nobody finds her attractive.
Peter: Lois I think you made a mistake. I'm not the King, I'm not I, I'm not anybody. So, what, I had sex with you for nothing?
Peter: I'll tell two friends and they'll tell two friends, that's like ten people right there.
Peter: We don't need Diane Simmons, we got someone better all along, someone radiant and sassy, with a soul and a passion that can only come from 100 years of black oppression.
Loretta: Thank you Peter, I'll do it.
Peter: Get over yourself, I was talking about me.
Peter: Great news, Edgar Bronfman, Jr., we made the deal. We're richer and more powerful than ever. I'm the king of the wor...aagghh!...Agghh-ow! Aggh-agh! Ow..agh! Nyagh! [falls onto sandhill, bumps into a cactus, ripping back of bathrobe. Tumbles further until a baby tree snatches his bathrobe and Star of David necklace, naked. He hits onto a sewage pipe] Dammit!
[inside a Mexican household, the family is about to eat dinner with the wife plumping mashed potatoes. Then Peter's body crashes on the roof to the table]
Mexican 1: ¿Quién es este? [Who is this?]
Mexican 2: Él es la respuesta a mis oraciones. [He is the answer to my prayers!]
Mexican 1: ¡¿Por quuué?! [Why?]
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. They liked it? [Peter bows on stage as bouquets of flowers are thrown at him; audience continues to applaud; Lois stands on her seat and faces the audience] Stop it! Stop clapping right now! [The audience stops clapping and sits back down in their seats] What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged! They should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evenin' and the victim's name is "theater"! This is the kind of mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland! This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This...BLOWS!!!
Peter: Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big Christmas toy gets a huge bonus!
Chris: Why don't you invent the Frisbee, dad? That's an awesome toy!
Meg: The Frisbee's already been invented.
Chris: Then how come I've never heard of it?
Peter: What am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that's what soap is for, Lois.
Peter: Well, Lois, I tried to express my creativity like you said. First I took an art class. [Peter is in art class; nude man is posing] Am I supposed to draw the penis? Then I tried sculpting. [Peter is in sculpting class; again, nude man is posing] Am I supposed to sculpt the penis? Then I tried music. [Peter is in music class; everything is normal] Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
Meg: I don't get it, Mom, if you're so mad at Dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night?
Lois: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?
Chris: A bitch.
Stewie: You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."
Stewie: [to Peter] You, your the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber. [throws some food at Lois] And you, I just plain don't like you.
Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane.
Stewie: You know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he's charming.
Peter: Alright, now Diane, your role is, you're a steel-town girl on a Saturday night, looking for the fight of your life.
Peter: Cut, all wrong. God, send me dancers.
[On the news]
Tom Tucker: It was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond as six members of the Pawtucket fire department struggled valiantly to save the life of a fish, trapped under the frozen ice. Rescue workers managed to get the fish out of the water, but unfortunately it died shortly after.
Brian: Oh, Lois, congratulations! Our little theater group finally has a committed visionary at its helm. And such an attractive one.
Lois: Brian, you'll have to audition just like everyone else.
Brian: Oh, God, of course. I...you didn't think...you thought I was...Lois!
Peter: You should've heard them laughing at me, Lois. I got great ideas, but they look at me, and all they see is a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye. He sees a loser and the snack machine.
Lois: Peter, a lot of creative people had mindless jobs. Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry. Herman Melville was a customs agent. Albert Einstein worked for the patent office.
Brian: I think what Lois is tying to say is you have to find a way to express yourself creatively. For example, Chris has his drawing, Meg does her birdcalls, I sing...beautifully.
Lois: So I've heard.
Peter: You're right, Lois. Man was meant to create. That's why God invented Shrinky Dinks.
God: It works! Look how tiny they are! [Albert Einstein smashes God's head into the oven] Oof!
Loretta: [reading "The King and I" cast list] Anna! Oh, baby, baby! I'm a star!
Cleveland: Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before. Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once, but then we later found out it wasn't actually her.
Brian: The King of Siam? Why, why, that's the lead! This is so unexpected!
Quagmire: Hey, shut up!
Brian: The King of Siam? Why, why, that's the lead!
Peter: Some of our greatest actors started in news, like Sean Penn.
[Scene cuts to a cigarette-smoking Sean Penn as a TV weatherman]
Sean Penn: Today's weather calls for breezy skies and sun, and there's gonna be a... [rushes towards the camera]...get that fucking camera out of my face!
Lois: Okay, let's go from the top of Scene 7. Action!
Loretta: "Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you. You must go to him."
Diane Simmons: "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, truly needs me, I will go to him."
Peter: Cut! All wrong! No good!
Lois: Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful.
Loretta: My ass.
Lois: Besides, I'm the director.
Peter: It just doesn't feel real, you know? Anna and Miss Thing both love the king, right? On "Springer" yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband" and these two women bitch-slapped each other. The crowd went nuts. Loretta, why don't you try slapping Diane?
Loretta: I think I can do that.
Lois: Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rodgers and Hammerstein, not trash TV!
Diane Simmons: I think Peter may be onto something. Springer is one of our station's highest-rated shows.
Lois: I don't know.
Peter: I thought you wanted to do a good show? If you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do Rent?
Lois: I guess we can try that...
Peter: Face it, Lois, you're just jealous because people like my ideas better than yours.
Lois: I don't care if the whole world loves your ideas. That doesn't make them good. I was trying to make art.
Peter: Oh, art-schmart. Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter, they'll produce Shakespeare.
[Scene goes to a group of monkeys in a room with a typewriter writing Shakespeare]
Monkey 1: Uh, let's see. "A 'something' by any other name..."
Monkey 2: "Carnation," "peony."
Monkey 3: No, they did that on last week's Marlowe.
Monkey 4: What about "daisy"?
Monkey 5: "Chrysanthemum"!
Monkey 2: "Iris," "rose"? What about "rose"?
Monkey 1: Did you say "rose"?
Monkey 4: Yeah, "rose." "Rose" is good!
Monkey 1: "A rose by any other name." That works.
Monkey 4: I like that a lot.
Monkey 1: Moving on.
Monkey 5: Hey, what about "tulip"?
Monkey 1: "Rose" is fine. Moving on.
Peter: Hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00 a.m.
Lois: The only thing you create before 9:00 a.m. is exactly what you've turned my show into.
Peter: I think my work will speak for itself. [leaves the room and comes back] Oh, ha-ha, I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.
Brian: [preparing backstage before the play] Su-su-sudio. Su-su-sudio.
Peter: [chuckling to Lois] Hey, were you there when I farted?