New Brian: Hey, gang! Whose leg do ya have to hump to get a hug around here?
Stewie: He's a bad fit. Like a crocodile at an alligator rally.
Man: Carol, come in here! They're saying your name on the Family Man!
Man: I forget.
Glenn Quagmire: Hi I am Glenn Quagmire.
Cleveland Brown: What did you do Glenn?
Glenn Quagmire: I just put honey here [points to crotch] And I am waiting on the bees. Release them! [The bees are released from a hive and they crowd around the honey] Oh...[Nervously] okay now...I will go put 'em back...we cannot make them mad! [Cleveland blows a horn] Stop!!
Peter Griffin: Yeah we don't want the bees to get mad...[To bees] I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, [Quagmire screams] I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU BEES, I HATE YOU...!!!!
Glenn Quagmire: OKAY THAT IS ENOUGH!! STOP IT!! [He carefully walks towards the hives; just as he is about to reach it Peter shoves Quagmire into the hives breaking them apart and releasing hundreds of bees that surround Quagmire] AAAGH!!! GET THEM OFF ME!!!! AGH!!!! AAAAAAGH!!!!!
Peter: [after watching "Jackass"] Hey. You know what. We should try some of that stuff. Here, at home.
Cleveland: I don't know, Peter. That skull and crossbones warning before show us pretty clear about not doing that.
Peter: Cleveland, shut up. I saw something on TV that I want to imitate.
Lois: [comes out of the door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you... [sees that Peter is in a shopping cart on the roof held by Cleveland and Quagmire] What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!
Peter: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready?
Joe: All, right! We're rolling.
Peter: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R...Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart Guys. [to Cleveland and Quagmire] Okay, go! [Cleveland and Quagmire let go of the cart; Peter rolls down and lands badly] Ow. Ow. Ow. [He gets up and his head is hanging upside down]
Cleveland: Oh, my God!
Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Peter: I don't know! I don't... W...what does it look like? What do I do? What... [feels bumps] Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something!
Joe: It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!
Peter: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca... [throws up on Brian]
Brian: Aah! Oh, God!
Peter: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.
Lois: You know, Peter, I'd expect this kind of behavior from you, but you have no business endangering Brian like that.
Brian: Thank you, Lois.
Lois: I mean he jumped into that lake to try to save your life and he's 8 years old, Peter. 8! That's 56 in human years.
Brian: Okay, Lois.
Peter: Why do you think he almost drowned?
Lois: He's old, Peter. Plus, he drinks and smokes all the time, so take that 56 and make it 79 at least.
Brian: Why you making such a big deal out of this, Lois? I was just a little tired.
Lois: Yeah, well that's how it begins, Brian. Then the next thing you know, I'm making Peter dig a hole in the yard and you're in the pillowcase.
New Brian: Hey, Meg. I know how you like to let off steam once in a while, so I've got you a journal.
Meg: You got me a journal?
New Brian: Actually, I got you two of them: my right ear and my left ear. Fire it away.
Meg: Dear diary. Today at the school library I saw a picture in National Geographic of a woman with nipples that cover most of her breast too, and suddenly I didn't feel so alone.
New Brian: You know what it sounds like to me? Sounds like the woman on that picture was pretty beautiful. All right, I'll see you at dinner. Think fast. [gives Meg deodorant]
Meg: Wow! Deodorant! Are you sure I'm old enough?
New Brian: Oh, I think so. I'm gonna make you a little less gross every day.
[Cleveland is outside with Brian as he goes outside to the bathroom]
Brian: You know, I appreciate you letting me stay with you but I'm perfectly capable of going into the bathroom by myself.
Cleveland: Sorry, but there's leash in this neighborhood and you never know who's watching.
Mumm-Ra: [watching from across the universe] I'm watching you make stool.
Stewie: Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't really pie without Cool Hwhip. Everything's better with Cool Hwhip. Did you hear what I said?
New Brian: Yeah, what about it?
Stewie: It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? Cool Hwhip.
New Brian: No, why would it?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip. I'm putting emphasis on the "H."
New Brian: Sounds right to me.
Stewie: Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
New Brian: No, not really, I like everything.
Stewie: God, he's a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington.
Buzz Killington: Stewie, do you know why W.S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his Trans-Atlantic crossings?
Buzz Killington: Because he was quartered on the port side. [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'oyly Carte Opera Company.
[While the family does karaoke]
Peter: Okay, New Brian, you're next.
New Brian: Oh, no, oh, boy, all right. Well, I can't do this alone. Lois, I'm gonna need your help here.
Lois: Okay, Rita Coolidge's less talented sister here.
Stewie: In what way is that a joke?
Brian: Stewie. What are you doing here?
Stewie: Brian. You have to come back.
Stewie: Because, New Brian is such a tool. I mean, he's so damn sweet, and perfect, and he is turning the family into a bunch of douches.
Brian: Big deal. You always said I was a douche.
Stewie: Yeah, but you were my douche, Brian. My douche. Come back and be my douche again?
Stewie: I tell you what, when this is all over, I'll make you some pie with a nice dollop of Cool Hwhip.
Brian: There it is again. Why you putting so much emphasis on the "H"?
Stewie: That's exactly why I miss you, Brian.
Stewie: Hey, New Brian, bad news, you gotta leave.
New Brian: Huh? What are you talking about? This is my home.
Stewie: Nobody likes you here, man.
New Brian: Well, I disagree. I think everybody likes me.
Stewie: No, we don't. We don't like your cooking, your stupid karoke nights, and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den.
New Brian: Well, Rupert seems to like my humping.
Stewie: What did you say?
New Brian: Rupert. Humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it.
Stewie: Did he?
New Brian: Yeah. Now every time you're sleeping with him, he's gonna be thinking of me.
[The two are locked in a standoff. After a brief pause, the next scene shows Stewie dragging a trash bag to the garbage can outside with a trail of blood following it]
Peter: [reading a suicide note] "...and that is why I cut myself up, put myself in a bag and threw myself into the garbage." Wow, he must have had some demons.
Stewie: [washing Rupert in the shower, traumatized] We'll talk about it when you wanna talk about it! [holds Rupert close] I don't blame you! I d... I don't blame you.