Herbert: Excuse me, I'm looking for a car that's been tricked out to look like an ice cream truck.
Brian: Dammit! I'm, I'm sorry what?
Herbert: You know, with the colorful pictures of ice cream treats, and it plays a tune that's fun for the young children. [Sings to "The Entertainer"] Da da da da da da da da... da da da da da da da da mmm...

Peter: Aw, man, you guys, we're rich!
Vern: Rich? I'll tell ya what's rich: the long monologues of a young Will Rogers, but I prefer some of the old slapstick, like this oversized powderpuff. Makeup! [slaps himself in the face with the powderpuff] Ha ha ha. Now that's rich! Play me off, Johnny!

Cleveland: Hey Joe, where'd you get the new legs?
Joe: Transplant. I got them of a death row inmate who got the chair. Unfortunately he was also a paraplegic.

Brian: So, umm, is there any chance tonight might be the night we push the beds together?
Lois: Goodnight Brian.
Brian: Awww, come on!
Lois: Gah, I wish you'd cut that out! You sound like a dog with a bone.
Brian: Ugh, yeah. If you need me I'll be in the basement.
Lois: Doing what?
Brian: What do you think?

Peter: Well, I'm just glad things are back to normal.
Lois: Yeah. And to think I was like one day away from having sex with you!
Brian: What?
Lois: Yeah, I was gonna push those beds together and take you round the freakin' world! But a pat on the head's just as good, right? you want your ball? You want your ball?
Brian: No, I do not want the ball. If you need me I'll be in the basement.
Peter: Doing what?
Brian: What do you think?!
[everybody laughs]
Stewie: OK, someone's gonna have to explain that to me.

Stewie: Lois, I smell whipped cream, are you making strawberry shortca...[sees Peter and Lois together] ARGH! ARGH! AHHH! ARGH! ARGH!
Mayor West: [as Stewie continues to scream] Oh, so it's a shouting match you want, eh? Well game on, Quahog! ARRGH! ARRGH! ARGH! ARGH ARGH! ARGGH I'M BEATING YOU!

Tom: In local news, we have more on the approach of Hurricane RuPaul, which is working his or her way up the coast. Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the Blaccuweather report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: IT'S RAININ' SIDEWAYS!!
Tom Tucker: Sounds rough, Ollie. Did you bring your umbrella with you?
Ollie Williams: HAD ONE!!!
Tom Tucker: Where is it now?
Tom Tucker: Anything we can do for you?
Ollie Williams: BRING ME SOME SOUP!!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: CHUNKY!!!

Skeet Ulrich: You bastard!
Cleveland: There's nothing good about what you do or who you are.

[Quagmire realizes Peter's eating something]
Quagmire: Hey, what's that?!
Peter: Uh, what?
Cleveland: You're eating something!
Joe: You bastard! You have food?!
Peter: I don't know what you're talking about!
Joe: Give me that!
[Peter and Joe get in a minor pulling match, and Joe pulls and realizes both his feet have been eaten]
Joe: AAAAAHHH!!! AAAAAHHH!!! Peter, you've been eating my legs?!
Peter: See, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.
Peter: Look, Joe, I...
Peter: Okay, you know what? Let's just agree to disagree.

Peter: Hey, hey, I've got an idea. Let's play "I Never." You gotta drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh, I've got one. "I never slept with a woman with the lights on."
[Joe, Peter, and Quagmire drink]
Joe: I'll go next. Uh... "I never had sex with Cleveland's wife."
[Cleveland and Quagmire drink]
Peter: Okay, let's see, uh... "I never did a chick in a Logan Airport Bathroom."
[Quagmire drinks. Fast forward to a heavily drunk Quagmire surrounded by empty bottles]
Peter: God, let's see. What else is there? Um... "I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance."
Quagmire: Oh, God. [drinks]
Joe: I, uh... "I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touched myself."
Quagmire: Oh, come on! [drinks]
Peter: Uh, "I never did the same thing, but with someone from JoAnn Fabrics."
Quagmire: Oh g- this is ridiculous! [drinks, and passes out]
Peter: Wow, he's out cold. [pulls out a marker] Hey, let's write on him!

Previous Episode's Quotes /// The Perfect Castaway's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes