Principal Shepherd: [over the intercom] Good morning students. Today at 3:30, James Woods High will be hosting a cross-country meet, which also happens to be where Lorraine has threatened to take my children. Across the country. And here's today's Tuesday trivia question. Does this sound like yelling? Because apparently, this sounds to some people like yelling.

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Jock: Well, well. If it isn't Meg Griffin.
Meg: Leave me alone, you guys.
Jock: Relax, we're taking the day off from bullying.
Meg: Oh, thank God.
[Meg opens her locker and her face gets burned off]
Meg: Very funny. Who put the ark of the covenant in here?
[The bullies laugh]
Jock: Meg is so stupid. She couldn't handle the glory of God's love.

Principal Shepherd: I just listened to two hours of butt-dialed sex between my wife and the ADT alarm guy.
Meg: Why didn't you just hang up?
Principal Shepherd: Because I miss the sound of her voice. [bursts into tears]
Lady: [over the intercom] Principal Shepherd, your wife is on the line. She says, "Ugh! Ugh! Oh, God! Harder!"

Stewie: Please rub the H and the C off all the knobs, so people won't know what the hell's going on. I want the first 4 minutes of every shower to be confusion and anger.

School Board Guy: I know a number of our students have felt [mimicking students] traumatized by the events of this week [normal] and we take those concerns very seriously.

Peter: Lois, I'm done with my gum.
Lois: I don't want it.
Peter: But I'm done with it!
Lois: Peter, shhh!
[Guy sitting behind them joins in]
Guy: I'll take it.

Chris: Mom, why was this listerine in the garbage?
Lois: Oh, your father says he doesn't need it anymore, now that he's a high school principal.

[Peter walks in on the family eating breakfast]
Peter: Hello, Breakfast Club. [chuckles] As a principal, I like to start each morning with a reference from last century.

[Meg slams her face on the table and groans]
Lois: I feel you, Meg.
Meg: Shut up!
Lois: You shut up!

Peter: Hey guys, guys. When Borat was making announcements over the PA this morning, that was me.
Chris: What? Shut the front door!
Peter: [mimicking Borat] Taco Tuesday, it's nice?

Stewie: Hey, Brian? What's a splat job?
Brian: I ... I don't ... I don't know, Stewie. I'm worried that you're seeing too much.

Stewie: Alright, shows over. Everybody back to work.
Hooker: Yeah, about that. We gotta talk.
Brian: Oh, uh, sure. What's up?
Hooker: We just realized, we can keep all the money, take your house, and kill you if you try to do anything about it.
Stewie: Alright, we're just gonna step outside and figure out a counter.
[Stewie and Brian go outside, and are instantly locked out]
Stewie: And they locked us out.

School Board Guy: Mr. Griffin, you are hereby relieved of your duties.
Peter: [gasp] A promotion?

Peter: I'm planning on dying tonight. [punches himself in the nose, making it break and bleed] What are your plans?

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