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Chris: Yay! A crossover always brings out the best in each show! It certainly doesn't smack of desperation. The priorities are always creative and not driven by marketing...
Stewie: Okay, that's enough.

Brian: I guess we're in a town called Springfield.
Stewie: Springfield, eh? What state?
Brian: I can’t imagine we’re allowed to say.

Lois: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.
Brian: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.

Peter: Don’t drink the water. Everyone around here looks like they have hepatitis.

Lois: Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.
Marge: And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.

Peter: [to Apu] Hello, Funny-Sounding Cleveland!

Homer: Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors.

Peter: Mmm. Yummy. Donut.
Homer: That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmm...donut...
Peter: Mmm...donut...
Homer: I think you and I are gonna get along juuuuuuust okay.

Bart: Eat my shorts!
Stewie: "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression like "What the deuce"?
Brian: Probably more popular.

Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'.
Bart: Uh, yeah, I'm lookin' for a friend, last name Kebum, first name Leigh.
Moe: Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I got a Leigh Kebum? C'mon, look at the stools. Uh, is there a Leigh Kebum? Somebody check the rear, I know I gotta Leigh Kebum.
Barney: Then you probably shouldn't be handling food!

Stewie: Hello, Moe? Your sister's bein' raped!

Bob Belcher: Yeah, we did it!
Homer: What's he doin' here?
Peter: Oh, we gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly on his own. We let that other guy try and look what happened.
Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, NO!!!

Homer: Alright, Peter, If we're gonna find your car, we gotta think like a car. So let's fill up at that gas station.
[After the two drink gasoline]
Peter: I feel sick.
Homer: Keep drinking! I prepaid 40 bucks!
Peter: Homer, maybe we're doing this wrong.
[They see a woman put a gas pump into the rear of the car where it's located]
Peter: Oh crap.

[After Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]
Peter: That's pretty good, right?
Homer: No. It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff.
Peter: Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction.
Homer: No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse.
Peter: Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talkin' about. Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood.
Moe: [takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud.

Peter: I'm whisperin' in court to look smart.

Quagmire: Do you like sex?
Lenny: Eh.
Quagmire: I don't think we're that similar.

Cleveland: You know why they got us sittin' next to each other.
Carl: Uh, because we're the two funniest guys in our town?
Cleveland: Damn right!

Quahog James Woods: You lived in Springfield?
Springfield James Woods: Yeah, I worked at the Kwik-E-Mart, researching a role.
Quahog James Woods: These guys are gonna lose.

Judge Fred Flintstone: I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision. If ya ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original. They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Budrock.
Peter: Oh ho ho!
Homer: Ooh!
Judge Fred Flintstone: But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to YABBA-DABBA-DOO!
Peter & Homer: Eh.
Judge Fred Flintstone: And I find in favor of Duff.
Lois: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Peter: Oh no!
[nothing happens, then Peter's cell phone rings]
Peter: Hello.
Kool-Aid Man: Uh, hey. I'm...I'm in the wrong Springfield.

[Homer attempts to choke Peter]
Peter: What the hell? That really hurts!
Homer: No, it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time!
Peter: You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he’s fat and stupid and masturbates all the time!
Homer: That’s your son!

Homer: Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there!
Ralph: Heh-heh, I'm in danger.

Kodos: Perfect, the Earthlings are destroying themselves.
Roger: Yeah, it's really great, isn't it, guys? [to the camera] We went to summer camp together.

Peter: It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury... [the radioactivity wears off] Oh, I talked too long.

[The spaceship jumps over Springfield Gorge]
Peter: We're gonna make it!
Homer: Trust me, we're not.

Peter: Woohoo!
Homer: Road House!

[Homer prepares to crush Peter with a rock]
Homer: Say hi to Maude Flanders.
[Peter sees the spaceship about to fall and prepares to get out of the way]
Peter: No, you say hi to Muriel Goldman.
Homer: Who?

Peter: I'm sorry we fought. I just wanted to make you laugh and cry. I'm a Family Guy.
Homer: I understand. I'm a The Simpsons.

Homer: Let's just agree to stay a half hour away from each other.
Peter: With a pile of garbage between us.

Comic Book Guy: Worst. Chicken fight. Ever.

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