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The Splendid Source/Quotes

< The Splendid Source

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Gus: Hi, there. What can I do for you gentlemen?
Quagmire: We've traveled a very long way to find out where you heard this joke.
[Quagmire hands the joke to Gus]
Gus: Oh...I remember that. I heard it from that guy.
[Gus points to Cleveland drinking alone]
Peter: Cleveland?!
Cleveland: Hey, fellas.
Peter: Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you here? Except everyone, if FOX ruined it in the promos. What a surprise this is.
[Cut to Cleveland's new house]
Lois: Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here.
Donna: Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. Still waiting on that gift.
Peter: The gift was the show.
Cleveland: Uh, she doesn't know what she's talking about. It's great to have you-all down here.
Peter: Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus.
Rallo: Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass.
Peter: All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business. Who told you the joke?
Cleveland: A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington DC. I met him when I took Cleveland Jr. there to see the Lincoln Memorial.
Cleveland Jr.: But then Daddy got frustrated 'cause he couldn't find it, so we just ate fast food in the parking lot.
Cleveland: I'm just saying, maybe put up a damn sign. Anyway, the bellhop's name is Sal Russo. He knows every dirty joke ever written.
Peter: Then that's the guy we got to talk to. Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people, 'cause we are going to Washington DC.
Lois: Now, wait a minute, Peter. Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend, and frankly, that sounds better than continuing this wild-goose chase.
Peter: Well, Lois, if you and Bonnie want to stay here, maybe Cleveland could join us.
Joe: Yeah, it'd be just like old times. What do you say, Cleveland?
Cleveland: Oh, I don't know. I've kind of got my own life now.
Peter: All right, well, if you have a sudden change of heart and you want to chase us down the street as we're pulling away, you know where to find us.

[The guys continue their quest to Washington DC when Peter makes "would-you-rather" propositions]
Peter: Okay, guys, I got one. Would you rather get a massage from a man or surgery from a female doctor?
Cleveland: Wow.
Quagmire: Like, minor surgery?
Peter: No, serious surgery. Like a blown kidney or something.
Joe: Geez.
Cleveland: Good question, Peter.
Quagmire: Is the man gay?
Peter: No.
Joe: Is the female doctor at least Jewish or Asian?
Peter: No, but, actually, you know what? I'm going to take it up a notch. Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse?
Quagmire: Hispanic from Spain?
Peter: No.
Joe, Quagmire & Cleveland: Ah.
Quagmire: So, it's basically...would you rather get a massage from a gay man or die?
Peter: All right, I got another one. Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass?
Joe: Sign me up for Cooper.

Peter: Check out that Vietnamese guy giving the business to the Vietnam vets.
Vietnamese Guy: Scoreboard! Scoreboard! Ahh what happened to your friend? Hey I know that guy; I killed him - he cry like a bitch. Vietnam! Undefeated!

Lois: Well, Peter, I'm finally glad you and the guys finally found what they're looking for.
Peter: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied, so everything worked out.
Brian: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke, but I never even got to hear it.
Meg: Yeah, me neither.
Chris: Yeah, come on, Dad, tell the joke.
Peter: All right, you guys wanna hear it? All right. So this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck, but she's worried because she's got a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys, so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it in her vagina so when he fucks her, it'll feel tighter.
Lois: Huh, Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
Peter: No way, Lois, shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone. And he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening; however I don't think this is going to work out. P.S., your vagina is in the sink." [unfazed] Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.

Quagmire: Wow, those are all the monuments I read about in school! There's the Washington Monument, [Pans over to a larger, black Washington Monument] and there's the Obama Monument.

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