Chris: Aah! [Peter pushes him off the chair] Dad, what's wrong with you?! Why are you acting like such a bully?
Peter: 'Cause there are two kinds of people in this world, Chris. There are bullies and there are nerds. And there are hot Asian chicks. They'll do what you want. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You better believe it, buddy. They will do what you want because they know, they know what you want. Oh, oh, oh, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid. I won't hurt you. I won't hurt you. Me big American man.
Peter: Hey listen, uh, sorry about beating you up, I feel pretty bad about it. Hey, does this look like a spaceship to you? [Peter holds up a LEGO model]
Kyle: Sort of.
Peter: Huh. Well, I never was good at building things, like that time I built that hand made electric razor. [Peter holds a desk fan] By gluing many razor blades to this ordinary desk fan, I'll save time in my morning routine. [Peter pushes that desk fan and it gets closer to his face] AAAAH!! [Blood gets in the window] Lois, I've done it again!
Peter: Hey, uh, Joe.
Joe: [disgusted] Don't say it, Peter.
Peter: I was just wondering, uh...
Joe: Peter, I swear to God...!
Peter: What's your handicap?
Joe: [sarcastically laughing] Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old!
Stewie: [Lying on a lawn chair] Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose? Huh, legs probably spread a little wider than they ought to be, but who gives a damn? This is just tan Stewie being tan Stewie.
Stewie: Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid. I see you lurking there on the peripherie of my vision. But when I try to look at you, you scurry away. Are you shy, squiggly line? Why only when I ignore you, do you return to the center of my eye? Oh, squiggly line, it's alright, you are forgiven.
Fran Drescher: Hello, I'm Fran Drescher. [nasal laugh]
Peter & Lois: Aaahh!!
[Cleveland and Quagmire are walking down the sidewalk]
Peter: Hey, you nerds wanna see a puppet show?
[Joe is tied to strings as Peter uses him as a marionette puppet]
Joe: Peter, put me down!
Peter: I told you, not until you sing. High on a hill was a lonely goat herd!
Joe: Ya hee o da lay dee o da lay hee hoo!
Chris: Dad, what are you doing to Mr. Swanson?
Lois: Peter, put him down right now!
Peter: Beat it, Lois.
Cleveland: Peter, stop it! Joe is your friend.
Peter: [drops Joe] Shut up, you nerd!
[jumps on him and pulls Cleveland's pants down]
Lois: Peter, look at yourself. You are no different than that bully who used to pick on you.
Peter: Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher.
Lois: Oh no? Does that look familiar?
[Cleveland transforms into Young Peter with his pants down]
Peter: Oh my God. You're right, Lois. I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about. I should be bullying Randy Fulcher. He's the jerk in all this! Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter. [cutaway to Dick Cheney standing in a Wal-Mart]
Dick Cheney: Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
[in Kyle's room]
Peter: Hey there, Kyle! Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.
Kyle: [mocking Peter] Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father!
Peter: Hey, that's not very nice, I don't sound like that at all! You're making me sound like Michael Stipe. Hey, I just wanted to let you know, what you did the other day was wrong.
Kyle: [continues mocking] What you did the other day was wrong!
Peter: You're not making this easy, Kyle.
Kyle: mocking goes on] You're not making this easy, Kyle! My name's Peter Griffin, I'm a big, fat, dumb buttface!
Peter: Shut up, Kyle!
Kyle: I'm Peter Griffin! I'm a dorky, fat numb-nuts!
Peter: Kyle, I said shut up!
Kyle: You're a poopnose!
[short silence, then Peter starts beating up Kyle to the point in which he is all bruised and bloody. Peter then jumps out the window, crosses the street to his house, quickly sits down on the couch, next to Brian]
Brian: Hey, Peter.
Peter: Hey. What's going on?
Brian: Is something wrong?
Peter: No, no. No, no, no. No, everything's cool right now. Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
[phone rings off-screen]
Lois: Hello? Peter did WHAT?!
Peter: Well, I best be getting to work.
Brian: It's nighttime.
Peter: Boy, you said it! Alright, take it easy.
[Peter runs outside and hides in the tree]
Lois: Peter, you get down from that tree this instant!
Peter: NO! You're gonna yell at me!
Lois: You're damn right I'm gonna yell at you! You beat up a 13-year-old boy!
Peter: He called me names!
Lois: You're 43, and you just assaulted our neighbor's child! This is a very serious situation!
Peter: Well, maybe you should have just had an abortion, Lois! Would that make you happy if I was never born?
Peter: I'm going to prison, aren't I?
Stewie: [After seeing a picture of Brian hanging himself drawn by Brian] Oh, you are just the worst type of person.
Stewie: My tanning days are over, Brian, I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage.