Greased-up Deaf Guy: You're never gonna catch me! You're wastin' your time. Forget about it! Go do somethin' else! [Peter grabs him but slips of his grip] See y'all next year.
Brian: [sniffing Qugmire's crotch] You're back from Manila, you had Lumpia for dinner, then you had sex with two Fillipino women...[sniffs again]...and a man.
Quagmire: Heh...you mean THREE Fillipino women...Noooooooo!!!
[Brian, working as a Seeing Eye dog, sits beside his blind guy in a movie theater]
Brian: Okay, they're-they're in the woods...the camera keeps on moving...Uh, I think they're, they're looking for some witch or something, I-I don't know, I wasn't listening...nothing's happening, nothing's happening, something about a map, nothing's happening, it's over, a lot of people in the audience look pissed.
[The family are at the dinner table, Brian is looking highly edgy]
Lois: So, how was your day?
Brian: My day? Un-freakin'-believable. First-first we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll. Her doll, for God's sake! Oh, where's the line any more? Well, I got news for you: It's...it's...it's...it's...it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey. Bam! Freakin' evaporated like a dingy, stinkin' mud puddle. One-one day you...you...you see your reflection in it, and the next day i...it's a...it's a...it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah blah blah, knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul... that's how my freakin' day was.
[The family looks at Brian, stunned, for a long time. Finally, Peter breaks the silence]
Peter: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.
Chris: Hey Dad, I heard if you use tanning beds, you can get something called melanoma.
Peter: Oh, Chris, that's just fancy-talk for sexified.
Stewie: [about Brian] Oh, Splendid!, Fido McCoke-fiend is home.
Peter: What do you think they put in the bug juice?
Peter: No, they don't! Come on! Shut up!
Meg: Wow, Brian! Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret!
Brian: Here's a hint: Put down the fork! [pushes his hand out] FACE!
Brian: [to Meg] Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up!
[Brian has a good cry after his intervention]
Stewie: I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A "melancollie". [no one laughs] Oh wait. I should have said "chi waa-waa". [no one laughs again] I don't have to [bleep]ing impress you!
Rehab Woman: What's your name?
Peter: Um... [attempting to make up a name, he looks at some peas on a plate] Pea... [looks at a woman crying] Tear... Pea-tear... [sees a gryphon in the room] Gryphon! Peter Griffin. Aw, crap.
Quagmire: Hey, Meg, you 18 yet?
Brian: Got milk?
Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well you are a vestiggio! See? I can make up words too, sister!
Lois: Can I get you a washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?
Peter: I'm on vacation. Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm also on smack.