Peter: Hi, it's me, Peter. Your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books. So I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author in the last thousand years: Stephen King, and tonight, I'd like to share them with you.
Stand By Me parody
Peter: We begin with a little tale called "Stand By Me". About four young boys who went looking for a dead body and instead found...themselves...and also a dead body.
Peter: The year was 1955. And the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss.
Richard Dreyfus: [narrating] I never had friends like the ones I had when I was twelve. There was me, Petey LaChance.
Petey LaChance: Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on.
Richard Dreyfuss: [narrating] Then there was Joey Duchamp. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider.
Roy Scheider: How are you, Richard?
Dreyfuss: Fine, Roy, how are you?
Scheider: Good, good. We should grab a drink sometime and catch up, maybe reminisce about Jaws.
Dreyfuss: Great, you should give me a call sometime. My number's 555...
Scheider: Wait, wait. What? 555?
Dreyfuss: Uh, yeah.
Scheider: You know what, Richard, if you don't want to have drinks, just say so. You don't have to be a dick about it.
Dreyfuss: [narrating] And then there was Quag Chambers. He was the leader of our gang. He had sex when he was five and committed his first rape when he was ten. Rape, of course, being legal in the 50's.
Dreyfuss: [narrating] Finally, there was Cleve Brown, my pudgy, black friend. I can still see him now, all pudgy and black.
Petey: Cleve, please, we're busying looking at Playboy.
Quag: Look at the way these women starve themselves. This one can't be more than 180 pounds.
Cleve: This is way better than Playboy. Do you guys want to see a dead body?
Petey: Cleve, it's 1955. Please reenter the clubhouse in a more stereotypically animated fashion.
[Cleve leaves the clubhouse, then enters again]
Cleve: [in a stereotypical black man manner] Lord Almighty, I done seen me a dead body down by the lake! Sure 'nough, I thought I'd go deaf and dumb when I saw me that dead bod...
Petey: [shaking Cleve] Cleve, calm down! You're not making any sense!
Dreyfuss: [narrating] Anything was possible as we set out that day. Except contracting AIDS, because AIDS has not been invented by the government in an effort to eradicate the homosexual community.
Dreyfuss: [narrating] We decided to cut through Old Man Pressman's junkyard, [the gang climbs over his gate and walked through the junkyard] even though legend had it that any kid caught scaling the fence ran the risk of being attacked by the old man's dog, who would charge to the cry of "Chopper, sic balls".
Quag: Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have just taken a bus?
Petey: [mumbling]...[pointing to Cleve] black guy.
[walking on the railroad bridge]
Joey: Uh, guys, anyone know when the next train is scheduled?
Petey: Don't worry, if a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.
[the others continue walking as Petey feels the railroad for vibration, then a train comes]
Petey: [in slow motion] Train!
[the others see the train and run to cross the bridge but Joey didn't make it and his legs were run over by the train]
Joey: [screaming] My legs!
Petey: [in slow motion] Another train!
[another train runs over Joey's legs]
Joey: [screaming] What an odd, clustered, train schedule!
Petey: Hey, sorry you got, paralyzed, Joey.
Joey: Oh, it's all right. Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair.
Quag: Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry.
[cut to Old Man Pressman in his junkyard]
Pressman: [angrily] Ooh...
Joey: Well, there it is.
Dreyfuss: [narrating] None of us can breathe. The twisted and mangled body we had come to see was far more disgusting than any of us could ever have imagined.
[the camera changes and reveals the dead body is Meg]
Cleve: He's nasty.
Ace: Out of my way, you little pipsqueaks. I'm taking credit for finding this body.
[the gang gasp]
Dreyfuss: [narrating] It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang: Beast-Man, Mer-Man, and for some reason Norm from Cheers.
Norm: Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?
Ace: [pulls out his switchblade] Now get lost. We'll take it from here.
[they approach Petey and his friend, Ace grabs Quag and threatens to cut his throat as he gasp, Petey then fires a gun in the air and aims it at Ace]
Petey: Kiss my grits, you cheap dime store hood.
Ace: This ain't over, LeChance. I mean, you have a gun right now, but tomorrow, I'll get a gun and come to your house and kill you.
Petey: Oh. Yeah, I guess you could do that, huh? I mean, we live in the same town. And I can't just be on my guard for the rest of my life. Boy, that is a major hole in this story. Okay, take the body.
Dreyfuss: [narrating] We never forgot that wonderful summer, and eventually we all went our separate ways. Joey learned to live without the use of his legs, and even went on to create a wheelchair-type rugby game called "Don't Feel Sorry For Us Ball". Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romijn. Actually, I'm not even joking about that. The fat kid from Stand By Me is now married to Rebecca Romijn. Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the internet. Doesn't that piss you off? Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at the Viper Room. He died on the curb outside. And now we're left with a hare-lipped reminder of what might have been.
Peter: Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trouper. And you passed out test. And you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's Misery.
Paul Sheldon: [on the phone with Marcia] Marcia, I've done it. I finished the book, and Snuggly Jeff is dead, the readers are just gonna love it.
Marcia: Paul, I still wish I could talk you out of this. Snuggly Jeff is the most successful children's book series ever.
Paul: Yeah, but I want to get into writing more serious stuff. You know, something where the reader doesn't have a load in his pants while he's looking at it.
Marcia: Well, we'll talk about it when you get back.
Stewie: I'm your number one fan. I'm your number one fan. I'm your number one fan.
Paul: [groans] Who...Wh...Who are you?
Stewie: I'm Stewie Wilkes. I saved your life. You were in a terrible car accident, you broke both your legs.
[Paul smacks his lips]
Paul: I taste lipstick, am I wearing lipstick?
Stewie: Not anymore.
Stewie: Um, Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no, but I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag, and I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it?
Paul: Well... I guess that'd be okay.
Stewie: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Can I read it while I touch your ear and suck my thumb?
Paul: Uh, I guess.
Stewie: Oh, goody, goody!
[Paul is sleeping when Stewie comes in after reading "Snuggly Jeff"]
Stewie: I just finished the book, you dirty birdie. How could you? He can't be dead. Snuggly Jeff cannot be dead!
[Stewie slams the book on Paul's broken legs, making him scream]
Paul: Look, Stewie, I've gone as far as I can with Snuggly Jeff, and I...I want to write something more serious.
[Stewie places a typewriter on a table]
Stewie: Well, you are gonna write Snuggly Jeff back to the life, Mr. Man.
Paul: Look, Stewie, first of all, you're insane. And second of all, I have to be inspired before I write.
[Stewie brings a portable TV]
Stewie: Well, how about a litte TV?
[Stewie places the TV on the table and turns it on]
Announcer: We now return to Magnum B.M..
Higgins: Magnum, I found a fingerprint smudge at the crime scene. Do you have poo on your hands?
[Magnum sniffs his hand]
Magnum: A little.
Stewie: No, no, no! This won't do, Paul. You can't just have Snuggly Jeff magically brought back to life by a child's wish. It's insulting to the reader!
Paul: What do you mean?
Stewie: Well, it's just bad story telling. Let's see ... How can I explain this to you? Did you ever see the movie Contact?
Stewie: So, like, they spent a trillion dollars building this mile high space machine and Jake Busey blows it up. So, now they're all like: "Oh, no. We can't use the space machine,” but then this other guy's like: "Hey, it just so happens, I built another identical trillion dollar space machine at my own expense, on the other side of the world." And we're supposed to believe no one noticed that? Well, I stood up in the theatre and I said: "No! You can't go into space because the machine already got blown up by Jake Cock-a-Doody Busey!" [throws papers in trash] Start over!
Paul: Oh my god I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back.
[the sheriff gets his legs blown off by Stewie, holding a double barrel shotgun]
Sheriff: Ah! My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair.
Stewie: No you're not.
Paul: Wait, you fondled me while I was asleep? I don't think I like that.
Stewie: Well its done.
The Shawshank Redemption parody
Red: [narrating] The first time I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne, I didn't think much of him. He was a fat drink of water. The kind of drink of water that you know your friend got from the bathroom and not from the kitchen.
Warden: Welcome to Shawshank prison. I'll be your warden, and even though I'm the only character who's not a criminal I will be the bad guy. Tomorrow's lunch is American chop suey. So you came here on a good day. Good lunch? Ah, look at those smiles.
Cut to the prisoners walking to their rooms naked, holding their prison clothes.
Red: [narrating] Later, Andy came back with more than two words.
Andy: I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.
Red: I've been known to procure various and sundry items.
Andy: I...I don't understand what you just said, I need stuff. Can you get it?
Red: What do you need?
Andy: I need a rock hammer.
Red: What's it for?
Andy: I carve Star Wars figurines out of stone. But it's also for not tunneling my way out of here.
Red: Wow. Can you carve me a set of women's private parts out of stone?
Andy: Sure, or you could just have sex with Helen Hunt.
[They both laugh]
Andy: Oh, we've only had one conversation, but I can tell we're gonna be life-long friends. And since you're black, and I'm white, that makes it more a-special for the audience!
[The Warden enters Andy Dufresne's cell, where Andy is polishing a Darth Vader figurine]
Warden Norton: You Andy Dufresne?
Andy: A little bit, you? Hehehe, I'm just jiggling your balls. What can I do for you?
Samuel: I understand you make Star Wars figurines. [The Warden picks up a General Grievous figurine] Aw, Grievous! Wicked! Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy, so I figured I could sell your figurines and pocket the cash. What do you say?
Andy: I don't know...
Samuel: Oh, come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower.
Andy: But I like that guy.
Samuel: Too late.
[Cut to Bogs Diamond being beat up by guards, crippling his legs]
Bogs: Ah! My legs!
[Cut to Bogs being taken away by ambulance]
Red: [narrating] Two things never happened again after that. Bogs never walked again and Andy's farts never made a sound again.
Captain Hadley: [to Andy] Okay, you clean up the warden's office while I'll go pop out a pine cone. Hey, you know what would want to be funny? You should take one of those records and play it over the PA system. Na, you shouldn't do that, but it'd be funny. Okay, I'll be back in three and a half minutes, the average length of a song on any long playing album.
[In Warden Norton's office, Andy finds a record, then sets the record player next to the intercom. Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" begins playing over the intercom]
Red: [narrating] To this day, I have no idea what that woman was singing about. Like, literally, no idea. I don't know what a "Hollaback Girl" is, but I have to imagine it's a foul, disease-ridden thing, that wears too much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47 year-old fish-dog.
[Andy is in Warden Norton's office after playing "Hollaback Girl" on the PA systen; a lamp is between them]
Warden: Andy, I think you know why I've called you in here today. A prison is an environment which requires the highest level of discipline. And that little stunt you pulled today...
[The warden shoves the lamp off his desk, causing it to shatter]
Warden: That little stunt you pulled today made a lot of people look very foolish.
Andy: Look, Warden, we got it rough in here. I just thought we could use a little music.
Warden: Music is expressly forbidden inside prison walls.
Andy: My God, how can you be so obtuse?
Warden: [sitting in an obtuse position] What did you call me?
Andy: Obtuse. You're being obtuse.
Warden: Two months in the hole. Or am I being obtuse?
Andy: No. Now you're being acute.
Red: [narrating] That time in the hole changed ol' Andy.
Andy: I'm getting out of here tonight, Red. I'm gonna take the poop pipe to the crap swamp.
Red: Wow. Where you're heading once you get out?
Red: Sounds fancy.
Andy: Well, actually it's a filthy Mexican village. Listen, Red. When you get out of here, I want you to do something for me. Up in a hay field in Buxton, Maine, under an old oak tree, there's a rock that has no earthly business being there. Under that rock is a box with something I want you to have. Of course now that I think about it, I been in here for 25 years all these landmarks are based on possibly outdated observations. That whole area could be a Wal-Mart by now. If it is pick yourself up some nice cheap pants and good life to you.
Captain Hadley: Inspection!
[Every prisoner comes out of their cell, and Red finds out that Dufresne is not out of his cell]
Captain Hadley:Dufresne. Dufresne! Dufresne, you'd better get you ass out here before you make me cut the sentence sh...
[After Dufresne escaped]
Warden: Where is he? Where the hell is Dufresne?
Captain Hadley: I don't know, sir.
Warden: Hey, we have almost the same voice.
Dr. Hartman: Excuse me, I'm the prison doctor. I'm here for Andy's checkup.
Warden: I want him found, now! Not after breakfast. Not after CSI. Now! God I'm so angry I could just throw a rock at that poster of David Cassidy.
Red: [narrating] Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine. Andy Dufresne, the man who crawled through a river of poop came out clean on the other side. Why he chose "enchilada night", I will never know.
Parole Board Member: Do you believe, in your best judgment, that you have been rehabilitated?
Red: Rehabilitated? It's just a stupid, made-up word, so boys like you can sit behind a desk, wear a fancy suit, and feel important. You're a jerk, and I had sex with your mother last night. And I swear to God, you let me outta here, first thing I'm gonna do is kill again!
Andy: [voice-over, in the postcard] Dear Red, if you've come this far maybe you're willing to go a little farther. You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?
Red: [thinks for a moment and then realize he does not remember the name of the village] Shit!
[Meanwhile, Andy is working on a boat on the coast of Zihuatanejo, waiting for Red to arrive]
Andy: What, oh, oh, is that him? Is it? No, nope, beach dog. Oh, oh, is that Red? Is it? No, nope, not him either. Where the hell is that jagoff, there's 1200 bucks in that box? Oh my god if he ran off with that...oh, I am going to be so pissed. What am I going to do, go to the authorities? I just broke out of prison. Now what, am I going to spend the rest of my life here by myself? Well at least I won't have to be self-conscious about my farting.
[Peter, at the end of the episode]
Peter: Thank you Stephen King, we'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever FOX is limping to the barn with.