Three Kings/Quotes

Peter: Hi, it's me, Peter. You're TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitchin lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books. So I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author in the last thousand years, Stephan King.

Stand By Me parody

Peter: We begin with a little tale called "Stand By Me". About four young boys who went looking for a dead body and instead found...themselves...and also a dead body.

Peter: The year was 1955. And the voice in my head was that of Richard Dreyfuss.

Richard Dreyfuss: (narrating) I never had friends like the ones I have when I was twelve. There was me, Petey LaChange.

Petey LaChange: Anyone else fed up with this over-saturation of media? Three channels and still nothing on.

Richard Dreyfuss: (narrating) Then there was Joey Duchamps. The voice in his head was Roy Scheider.

Roy Scheider: How are you, Richard?

Dreyfuss: Fine, Roy, how are you?

Scheider: Good, good. We should grab a drink sometime and catch up, maybe reminisce about Jaws.

Dreyfuss: Great, you should give me a call sometime. My number's 555...

Scheider: Wait, wait. What? 555?

Dreyfuss: Uh, yeah.

Scheider: You know what, Richard, if you don't want to have drinks, just say so. You don't have to be a dick about it.

Joey Duchamps: Oh, please, make the voices stop!

Dreyfuss: (narrating) And then there was Quag Chambers. He was the leader of our gang. He had sex when he was five and commited his first rape when he was ten. Rape, of course, being legal in the 50's.

Quag Chambers: (chunkles) Beat those cards, fella! (laughs) Giggity, giggity, 50's giggity.

(Cleve Brown enters the clubhouse)

Cleve Brown: Hey, you guys...

Dreyfuss: (narrating) Finally, there was Cleve Brown, my pudgy, black friend. I can still see him now, all pudgy and black.

Petey: Cleve, please, we're busying looking at Playboy.

Quag: Look at the way these women starve themselves. This one can't be more than 180 pounds.

Cleve: This is way better than Playboy. Do you guys want to see a dead body?

Petey: Cleve, it's 1955. Please reenter the clubhouse in a more stereotypical animated fashion.

(Cleve leaves the clubhouse, then enters again)

Cleve: (in a stereotypical black man manner) Lord Almighty, I done seen me a dead body down by the lake! Sure 'nough, I thought I'd go deaf and dumb when I saw me that dead bod...

Petey: (shaking Cleve) Cleve, calm down! You're not making any sense!

Dreyfuss: (narrating) Anything was possible as we set out that day. Except contracting AIDS, because AIDS has not been invented by the government in an effort to eradicate the homosexual community.

Dreyfuss: (narrating) We decided to cut through Old Man Pressman's junkyard, :(the gang climbed over his gate and walked through the junkyard) even though legend had it any kid caught scaling the fence ran the risk of being attacked by the old man's dog, who would charge to the cry of "Chopper, sic balls".

Cleve: I got a bad feeling about this

Old Man Pressman: Hey! What are you kids doing?

Quag: Oh, no, it's him!

Pressman: That's right I'm Old Man Pressman. I own the junkyard. I'm cranking 'cause all my stuff is junk. (high voice) Why can't I have nice things? (normal voice) Chopper, sic 'em, sic 'em, boy!

(Chopper comes out and chases the gang while barking as they scream while running away)

Dreyfuss: (narrating) How, he said, "Sic 'em, boy," but what I heard was, "Chopper, talk to disfigured World War II veterans who aren't as bitter as they should be."

(cuts to a scene where Chopper is talking to a body-less WWII veterans)

Disfigured WWII veterans: Glad I could do my part.

Chopper: I think you may have done too much.

Radio Announcer: Hey, how about this brand new thing called rock and roll? Even though it was just invented, we already remember it fondly. Here's Little Richard with "Piano Riff Wooo!"

Little Richard: (piano riff) Wooo! (piano riff) Wooo! (piano riff) Wooo! (piano riff) Wooo! (piano riff) Wooo! (piano riff) Wooo! (piano riff) Wooo!

(when the gang approach a railroad bridge)

Cleve: My ass!

Quag: Man, this trip is dangerous. Couldn't we have taken a bus?

Petey: (mumbling)...(pointing to Cleve) black guy.

(walking on the railroad bridge)

Joey: Uh, guys, anyone know when the next train is scheduled?

Petey: Don't worry, if a train comes, I'll warn you in slow motion.

(the others continue walking as Petey feels the railroad for vibration, then a train comes)

Petey: (in slow motion) Train!

(the others sees the train and run to cross the bridge but Joey didn't make it and his legs were run over by the train)

Joey: (screaming) My legs!

Petey: (in slow motion) Another train!

(another train runs over Joey's legs)

Joey: (screaming) What an odd, clustered, train schedule!

Petey: Hey, sorry you got, paralyzed, Joey.

Joey: Oh, it's all right. Thanks for going all the way back to the junkyard to get me this wheelchair.

Quag: Boy, was Old Man Pressman angry.

(cut to Old Man Pressman in his junkyard)

Pressman: (angrily) Ooh...

Joey: Well, there it is.

Dreyfuss: (narrating) None of us can breathe. The twisted and mangled body we had come to see was far more disgusting than any of us could have ever imagined.

(the camera changes and reveals the dead body is Meg)

Cleve: (referring to Meg) He's nasty.

Ace: Out of my way, you little pipsqueaks. I'm taking credit for finding this body.

(the gang gasp)

Dreyfuss: (narrating) It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang: Beast-Man, Mer-Man, and for some reason Norm from Cheers.

Norm: Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?

Ace: (pulls out his switchblade) Now get lost. We'll take it from here.

(they approach Petey and his friend, Ace grabs Quag and threatens to cut his throat as he gasp, Petey then fires a gun in the air and aims it at Ace)

Petey: Kiss my grits, you cheap dime store hood.

Ace: This ain't over, LeChance. I mean, you have a good right now, but tomorrow, I'll get a gun and come to your house and kill you.

Petey: Oh. Yeah, I guess you could do that, huh? I mean, we live in the same town. And I can't just be on my guard for the rest of my life. Boy, that is a major hole in this story. Okay, take the body.

Dreyfuss: (narrating) We never forgot that wonderful summer, and eventually we all went our separate ways. Joey learned to live without the use of his legs, and even went on to create a wheelchair-type rugby game called "Don't Feel Sorry For Us Ball". Cleve grew up and went on to marry Rebecca Romjin. Actually, I'm not even joking about that. The fat kid from Stand By Me is now married to Rebecca Romjin. Can you believe that? I swear to God. Look it up on the internet. Doesn't that piss you off? Quag grew up to become a famous Hollywood actor. Unfortunately, about a week ago, he took an overdose of designer drugs at the Viper Room. He died on the curb outside. And now we're left with a hare-lipped reminder of what might have been.

Misery parody

Peter: Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trouper. And you passed out test. And you can now be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's Misery.

Paul Sheldon: (on the phone with Marcia) Marcia, I've done it. I finished the book, and Snuggly Jeff is dead, the readers are just gonna love it.

Marcia: Paul, I still wish I could talk you out of this. Snuggly Jeff is the most successful children's book series ever.

Paul: Yeah, but I want to get into writing more serious stuff. You know, something where the reader doesn't have a load in his pants while he's looking at it.

Marcia: Well, we'll talk about it when you get back.

Paul: Who are you?

Stewie: I'm Stewie Wilks. I saved your life. You were in a terrible car accident, you broke both your legs.

(Paul smacks his lips)

Paul: I taste lipstick, am I wearing lipstick?

Stewie: Not anymore.

Stewie: Um, Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no, but I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag, and I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it?

Paul: Well... I guess that'd be okay.

Stewie: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Can I read it while I touch your ear and suck my thumb?

Paul: Uh, I guess.

Stewie: Oh, goody, goody!

Paul: Wait, you fondled me while I was asleep, I'm not sure I liked that.

Stewie: Well its done.

(Ending credits abruptly play)

The Shawshank Redemption parody

Red: (narrating) The first time I laid eyes on Andy Dufresne, I didn't think much of him. He was a fat drink of water. The kind of drink of water that you know your friend got from the bathroom and not from the kitchen.

Red: (narrating) A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody. As it turned out, that somebody was me.

Andy: (Walking by) Vagina boob.

Red: (narrating) Later, Andy came back with more than two words.

Andy: I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.

Red: I've been known to procure various and sundry items.

Andy: I-I don't understand what you just said, I need stuff. Can you get it?

Red: What do you need?

Andy: I need a rock hammer.

Red: What's it for?

Andy: I carve Star Wars figurines out of stone. It's also for not tunneling my way out of here.

Red: Wow. Can you carve me a set of women's private parts out of stone?

Andy: Sure, or you could just have sex with Helen Hunt.

(They both laugh)

Andy: Oh, we've only had one conversation, but I can tell we're gonna be life-long friends. And since you're black, and I'm white, that makes it more a-special for the audience!

(Andy slowly turns towards the camera)

(The Warden enters Andy Dufresne's cell, where Andy is polishing a Darth Vader figurine.)

Warden: You Andy Dufresne?

Andy: A little bit, you? Hehehe, I'm just tweaking your bum. What can I do for you?

Warden: I understand you make Star Wars figurines. (The Warden picks up a General Grievous figurine) Aw, Grievous! Wicked! Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy, so I figured I could sell your figurines and pocket the cash. What do you say?

Andy: I don't know...

Warden: Oh, come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower.

Andy: But I like that guy.

Warden: Too late.

(Cut to Bob being beat up by guards, crippling his legs.)

Bob: Ah! My legs!

(Cut Bob being taken away by ambulance)

Red: (narrating) Two things never happened again after that. Bog never walked again and Andy's fart never made a sound again.

(Cut to Andy farting in his cell only to hear soft wind)

Captain Hadley: (to Andy) Okay, you clean up the warden's office while I'll go pop out a pine cone.

(In the Warden's office, Andy finds a record, then sets the record player next to the intercom. Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" begins playing over the intercom.)

Red: (narrating) To this day, I have no idea what that woman was singing about. Like, literally, no idea. I don't know what a "Hollaback Girl" is, but I have to imagine it's a foul, disease-ridden thing, that wears too much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47 year-old fish-dog.

Andy: Look, warden, we got it rough in here I just thought we could use a little music.

Warden: Music is expressly forbidden inside prison wall.

Andy: My god! How can you be so obtuse?

Warden: (sitting in a obtuse angle position) What did you call me?

Andy: Obtuse. You're being obtuse.

Warden: Two months in the hole! Or am I being obtuse?

Andy: No, now you're being acute.

(Warden sitting in a acute angle position.)

Red: (narrating) That time in the hole changed ol' Andy.

Andy: I'm getting out of here tonight, Red. I'm gonna take the poop pipe to the crap swamp.

Red: Wow. Where you're heading once you get out?

Andy: Zihuatanejo.

Red: Sounds fancy.

Andy: Well, actually it's a filthy Mexican village. Listen, Red. When you get out of here, I want you to do something to for me. Up in a hay field in Buxton, Maine, under an old oak tree, there's a rock that has no earthly business being there. Under that rock is a box with something I want you to have. Of course now that I think about it, I been in here for 25 years all these landmarks are based on possibly outdated observations. That whole area could be a Wal-Mart by now. If it is pick yourself up some nice cheap pant and good life to you.

(After Dufresne escaped)

Warden: Where is he? Where the hell is Dufresne?

Captain Hadley: I don't know, sir.

Warden: I want him found, now! Not after breakfast. Not after CSI. Now! God I'm so angry I could throw a rock at that poster of David Cassidy.

Red: (narrating) Andy crawled to freedom through 500 yards of foulness I can't even imagine. Andy Dufrsne, the man crawled through a river of poop came out clean on the other side. Why he chose "enchilada night", I will never know.

Parole Board Member: Do you believe, in your best judgment, that you have been rehabilitated?

Red: Rehabilitated? It's just a stupid, made-up word, so boys like you can sit behind a desk, wear a fancy suit, and feel important. You're a jerk, and I had sex with your mother last night. And I swear to God, you let me outta here, first thing I'm gonna do is kill again!

(Cut to a shot of Red's parole papers, where "Approved" is stamped onto it)

Andy: (voice-over, in the postcard) Dear Red, if you come this far maybe you're willing to go a little farther. You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?

Red: (thinks for a moment and then realize he does not remember the name of the village) Crap!

(Meanwhile, Andy is working on a boat on the coast of Zihuatanejo, waiting for Red to arrive)

Andy: What, oh, oh, is that him? Is it? No, nope, beach dog. Oh, oh, is that Red? Is it? No, nope, not him either. Where the hell is that jagoff, there's 1200 bucks in that box? Oh my god if he ran off with that...oh, I am going to be so piss. What am I going to do, go to the authorities? I just broke out of prison. Now what, am I going to spend the rest of my life here by myself? Well at least I won't have to be self-conscience about my farting.

[Peter, at the end of the episode]

Peter: Thank you Stephen King, we'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever FOX is limping to the barn with.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Three Kings's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes