Three Kings/Quotes

[Peter, at the end of the episode]

Peter: Thank you Stephen King, we'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever FOX is limping to the barn with.

Paul: Who are you?

Stewie: I'm Stewie Wilks. I saved your life. You were in a terrible car accident, you broke both your legs.

(Paul smacks his lips)

Paul: I taste lipstick, am I wearing lipstick?

Stewie: Not anymore.

Stewie: Um, Paul, quick question, and feel free to say no, but I couldn't help but notice the new Snuggly Jeff manuscript in your bag, and I was wondering if I could read it, then kill you if I hate it?

Paul: Well... I guess that'd be okay.

Stewie: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Can I read it while I touch your ear and suck my thumb?

Paul: Uh, I guess.

Stewie: Oh, goody, goody!

Paul: Wait, you fondled me while I was asleep, I'm not sure I liked that.

Stewie: Well its done.

(Ending credits abruptly play)

Red: A month went by before Andy said two words to somebody. As it turned out, that somebody was me.

Andy: (Walking by) Vagina boob.

Red: (narrating) Later, Andy came back with more than two words.

Andy: I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.

Red: I've been known to procure various and sundry items.

Andy: I-I don't understand what you just said, I need stuff. Can you get it?

Red: What do you need?

Andy: I need a rock hammer.

Red: What's it for?

Andy: I carve Star Wars figurines out of stone. It's also for not tunneling my way out of here.

Red: Wow. Can you carve me a set of women's private parts out of stone?

Andy: Sure, or you could just have sex with Helen Hunt.

(They both laugh)

Andy: Oh, we've only had one conversation, but I can tell we're gonna be life-long friends. And since you're black, and I'm white, that makes it more a-special for the audience!

(Andy slowly turns towards the camera)

(The Warden enters Andy Dufresne's cell, where Andy is polishing a Darth Vader figurine.)

Warden: You Andy Dufresne?

Andy: A little bit, you? Hehehe, I'm just tweaking your bum. What can I do for you?

Warden: I understand you make Star Wars figurines. (The Warden picks up a General Grievous figurine) Aw, Grievous! Wicked! Well, anyway, I'm a pretty corrupt guy, so I figured I could sell your figurines and pocket the cash. What do you say?

Andy: I don't know...

Warden: Oh, come on. I'll even cripple that guy who rapes you in the shower.

Andy: I like that guy.

Warden: Too late.

(Cut to Bob being beat up by guards, crippling his legs.)

Bob: Ah! My legs!

(In the Warden's office, Andy finds a record, then sets the record player next to the intercom. Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" begins playing over the intercom.)

Red: (narrating) To this day, I have no idea what that woman was singing about. Like, literally, no idea. I don't know what a "Hollaback Girl" is, but I have to imagine it's a foul, disease-ridden thing, that wears too much makeup to cover up the fact that it's a 47 year-old fish-dog.

Parole Board Member: Do you believe, in your best judgment, that you have been rehabilitated?

Red: Rehabilitated? It's just a stupid, made-up word, so boys like you can sit behind a desk, wear a fancy suit, and feel important. You're a jerk, and I had sex with your mother last night. And I swear to God, you let me outta here, first thing I'm gonna do is kill again!

(Cut to a shot of Red's parole papers, where "Approved" is stamped onto it)

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