Lois: Great, Peter, nice going. This dinner was a disaster.
Peter: Eh, "Clash of the Titans" owl was worse.
[cutaway: Griffin dining room. Peter, Lois, Joe and Bonnie invited a "guest": Athena's mechanical owl Bubo]
Lois: So, you're from Greece? Oh, I always wanted to go there. What's it like? [Bubo responds with mechanical hooting, leaving others confused] Yeah, I can't... I can't understand a word he's saying.
Peter: Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you gotta invite the owl, you gotta invite Harry Hamlin.
Lois: [through clenched teeth] I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house.

Quagmire: All right, let's see what you guys have done to make yourselves look like douchebags.
[Brian comes into the classroom angry]
Brian: You're a son of a bitch. You're teaching us all this crap about how to get women and it's all a bunch of bull! I came here 'cause I wanted to get Denise back and instead, you ruined my life!
Quagmire: These skills aren't for women you care about, you idiot. This course is in getting laid, not finding love.
Brian: So, what's the point? If you never find love, then it's just meaningless sex. How will I get the woman of my dreams?
Quagmire: Only when you're ready. And maybe not even then. You see, women are a lot like Saturday Night Live sketches. Lots of them are awful, some are decent, and a few are pretty good. But then there's that one--that one woman who's as amazingly perfect as "Massive Head Wound Harry." For me, that woman is Cheryl Tiegs. You'd never fall for these tricks. That's why I keep trying to figure out how to bring you back into my life. So we can make it work. I still remember the day we met.

Quagmire: Someday...someday we'll make it right. You shouldn't have tried these tricks on Denise, Brian. But if you ask me, she got lucky, because now she's dodged the bullet of being in a relationship with a loser like you.
Brian: Well, you just think you know everything, don't you? Y-You're like a black woman in hindsight.
Black Woman: I told you. What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you? Cause I told you! Mm-hmm! And when did I tell you? A long time ago. And what did I say would happen when I told you? Exactly what just happened.

Brian: Does Jillian know you're half-Polish, Mr. Quagglechek?
Quagmire: You son of a bitch!!!

Brian: Good morning, everyone!
Lois: Ah crap, he's in love again.

Peter: Fine, I go. But this no over! I take picture of Ang Lee.
Mr. Washee-Washee: Good! He do too many white people movie anyway! You no come back ever! I don't like you American. And all you American look alike!
Peter: [with Gene Shalit's face] Oh we all look alike huh? WELL LOOK WHO'S TALKING!

Brian: So how did you two meet?
Jillian: Quagmire showed up at my door and said he was the Federal Boob Inspector! And I was going to tell him to go away, but he had a warrant!
Quagmire: It was a Snickers wrapper, Brian. I held up a Snickers wrapper.

Brian: Call me the "Paw." That's what I go by now.

Mr. Washee-Washee: Enough! You all banned from my store! Ding-dong!

Mr. Washee-Washee: I no have your shirt!
Peter: You yes have my shirt!

[after the fight and breakup]
Brian: Hey, you okay?
Quagmire: Yup. Just waiting for my car.
[Brian climbs up onto the bench next to him and stares out a few moments before speaking]
Brian: Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.
Quagmire: No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian, and you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint, I dated Jillian just to hurt you.
Brian: It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out like everything else. Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls to finally become friends.
Quagmire: Yeah, maybe.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Tiegs for Two's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes