Chris: I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift. What kinds of gifts have boys gotten for you, Meg?
Meg: Oh...Well... my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch, and this diamond tiara, and this wonderful sceptre. Ehehehehehe-heheheha...agh-hahahaha, hagh..!
Stewie: She needs to get laid, big time.
Peter: I read that women are from Venus, so here's what you get her: thick layers of sulfuric acid, viscous surface rock and coronae which seem to be collapsed domes over large magma chambers. Here's five dollars.
Chris: [after giving Barbara perfume] It'll make you smell like Elizabeth Taylor. So, you'll smell like bourbon and Vicodin.
Herbert: Where's the paperboy?
Tricia Takanawa: Sir, do you have any plans now that you're out of jail?
Criminal: Yeah, I'm gonna go bang my girlfriend, and then I'm gonna kill Chris Griffin!
Stewie: Good Lord! ...Can he really say "Bang my girlfriend" on TV?
Hillbilly: Mmm... you smell like the inside of my mama's purse.
Lois: Oh, um... thank you...
Lois: What are we gonna do?
Peter: I dunno, Lois, but I feel lower than a bow legged caterpillar. [camera swipes to left to a cornfield; Buck Owens is present]
Buck Owens: Eh-heh-heh! Now here's Roy.
Peter: [after driving over a ramp] That was awesome! Hey, next time we should get Meg to be Boss Hog and Chris can be Anus.
Peter: What did I say?
Chris: You know, it's true. The best things in life really are free!
Peter: I dunno, Brian, maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
Brian: Yeah, too bad you always blow it in the interview.
[cutaway to Peter is seen at a job interview]
Interviewer: So, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter: [thinking] "Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife!" [out loud] Doing your... son?
Lois: Oh, it's so nice to home. [presses play button on answering machine]
Machine: You have one hundred and thirteen new messages. [beep]
Lois: Oh, my.
Herbert: Ah, yeah, I was just wanderin', uhh, hmmm...wh-where the newspaper boy was. [beep] Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wanderin' if he ever wanna come by? [beep] Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages; just lonely here, thinkin' 'bout the muscly arm paperboy..wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good newwws. [beep] Where are ya? [beep] Oh, you're startin' to piss me off, you lil' pigly son-bitch. Call me!