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- Lois: Peter, come on, it's time to wake up. You gotta get to work.
- Peter: [In a deep voice] Uh, Lois, I ain't feeling good.
- Lois: Peter, what happened to your voice? It's so deep.
- Peter: I think I'm sick.
- Lois: Well, you don't sound like yourself. In fact, you sound kinda hot.
- Peter: I just threw up two chicken gyros out my nose. They're on your side of the bed.
- Joe: I heard you coming.
- Peter: I made myself heard.
- Joe: Where have you come from?
- Peter: I've come from where I've been.
- Joe: You still riding with that mangy polecat, Fletcher?
- Peter: Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun in the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead end road.
- Referee: Winner!
- Quagmire: Happy fucking birthday, Mikey! [Kicks his birthday cake] Yeah!
- Chris: Mom! Stewie's dead!
- Peter: Excuse me, which one was Lindsay Lohan's dessert fork?
- Bus Boy: I think it was that one.
- Peter: [licks the fork, then starts bleeding] Gimme cocaine!
- Quagmire: Move over, funny man Richard Lewis, we got Richard Lois.
- Brian: Can't you give that giraffe at home another chance? You know, for every one they sell, they save a giraffe in the wild.
- [Cut to three giraffes running from gunmen. One gets rescued]
- Giraffe Rescuer: Sorry giraffes, they only bought one. [returns the giraffe] Nah, they returned it.
- Stewie: Recall room, Brian. Nothing works in here.