Lois: Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey!
Peter: If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on Evan Almighty! Zap!

Lois: Chris are Brian and your father back yet?
Chris: No, and why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's?
Stewie: It's weird. Y...yeah, you're right, that is weird.

[Lois and Joe watch Kevin and his little person girlfriend have sex outside]
Lois: Oh, my God, it looks like he's chalking up a pool cue!

Peter: We'll be back with a turkey faster than you can say, "Jack Robinson."
Lois: Jack Ro... [Slurs] Jack Ro... [Slurs]
Peter: She had a stroke that killed the part of her brain that says, "Jack Robinson." We got plenty of time.

["Meet Virginia" by Train plays on the radio]
Peter: Is this fine?
Brian: I mean it's's...yeah, it's fine if you think it's fine.
Peter: It's not that good of a song, but we know it.
Brian: Yeah, ok. Sure.
[Brief silence]
Peter: Brian, I love Train!
Brian: I fucking love Train!

Brian: Nice Thanksgiving... I don't know why I ever listen to that jerk.
[Brian looks over his shoulder and sees that Peter is following him]
Peter: What? Home is this way. We're both just walking home.
Brian: Leave me alone!
Peter: No way. We're a team, Brian, whether you like it or not. Just like almond butter and no sugar added fruit preserves.
[Cutaway of a commercial where a mother makes her kids lunch]
Mother: Who's hungry?
Kids: We are!
Announcer: Hey, kids! Would you like a terrible healthy sandwich?
Kids: No!
Announcer: Too bad! Because your recently divorced mom has a crush on her trainer! And he eats like this, so now you have to, too! Almond butter and no sugar added fruit preserves! Just like PB&J, but with more of your mom railing this guy!
Trainer: I named myself "Kaya".

Peter: I wish you didn't have to die, but a bunch of white people put on sweaters.

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