Watson: Holmes, there's something I have to tell you. I'm getting marr...
Holmes: [cutting him off] I deduce, Watson, that you're getting married!
Watson: I just said that.
Holmes: Yes, but I had deduced it first.

Watson: He's got a gun! Look out Stew ... Holmes! God, this is gonna be so annoying.

[Sherlock deflects the henchman's bullet, getting him to shoot himself]
Henchman: Aaagh! Lucky shot!
Holmes: There was no luck involved. From the angle you were aiming the gun, I extrapolated the path of the bullet, and triangulated the deflection point ...
Watson: Uh, is this ... is this speech for me? Because he's dead.

[All the women at The Queen's ball have been roofied]
Bill Cosby: I get away with this for another 122 years, you see.

Peter: Enjoying all the old-timey jokes? Don't worry, next week, back to a normal episode.

[Sherlock and Watson come across a prisoner, portrayed by Quagmire]
Holmes: What are you in for?
Prisoner: Ah, I Rathboned somebody's Cumberbatch.

[The Scottish Brute pushes the cell door and it opens]
Brute: Oh, this...this thing was open. That shouldn't be open, right?
Holmes: No, no I wouldn't think so.

[The Brute gets out of prison]
Brute: Ah, the world's changed since I've been in there. That puddle wasn't here. That cloud wasn't there. That window was open. That lady was four feet that way.

Oscar Wilde: I prefer men with a future and women with a past.

[Sherlock's prostitute gets murdered, and John, who she previously rejected comes up]
John: All I would have done was be a perfect gentleman.

Watson: Sorry we didn't catch the murderer, Holmes, and I'm afraid you'll have to catch her without me. My wedding is tomorrow.
Holmes: Yes, about that, you know, I was thinking. Maybe you should put that off for a while. You know, sow a few more wild oats.
Watson: Oh, I've done enough of that, my friend. Especially after that raucous bachelor party trip you threw for me in Las Vegas.
[Cutaway to Watson and Holmes in the middle of the desert]
Holmes: So, when do the strippers arrive?
Watson: 1952.

Watson: I ... I can't believe it. My beloved Constance is the murderer.
Holmes: It's even worse than you think. If she's a murderer from this time period, that means there will be a terrible, pretentious musical about her one day.
[Cutaway to the musical]
Actor: [singing] Behold the tale of Constance, the murderer in the bonnet.
Backup: [singing] The murderer in the bonnet.
[Holmes and Watson watch in the audience]
Holmes: Oh, I was wrong! I love it!

[Watson and Holmes chase Constance]
Watson: This way, Holmes! She's headed toward ... Holmes?
[Holmes as joined Madeline and her friends]
Holmes: I couldn't come here and not do this. [to Miss Clavel] She has appendicitis, by the way.

Holmes: We made it just in time and I was able to fool you, as I am a master of disguise.
Watson: Seems like you're just good at dressing up like a woman.

Watson: One last mystery to solve. Why do they call you, "Professor"?
Moriarty: I teach at Hogwarts.
Holmes: Really?
Moriarty: No, but we should have done that instead of this.

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