Joe: [after the Chumba Wumbas push his wheelchair out on the street] I'M GLAD I'M NOT TAKING YOUR STUPID TOUR! I'M A COORS MAN ANYWAY! SILVER BULLET!

Cleveland: Remember when you went on Password?
[Cutaway to Peter on Password, partnered with Tony Randall]
Announcer: [whispering] The password is... "flaming."
Peter: You...
Tony Randall: Actor.
Peter: You...
Tony Randall: Tony?
Peter: You...

Jimmy: [Practicing his piano lessons with Lois]
Stewie: Ugh, trying to watch the history channel here.
Lois: Keep practicing Jimmy, I'll be right back.
Stewie: Not talkin' to myself here
Stewie: [Climbs down off couch and runs off screen. After we hear punching noises he runs back to the couch]
Lois: OK, Jimmy... oh my God, what happened?
Stewie: Yes Jimmie, what happened?
Jimmy: Uh, uh... [glances back at Stewie]... I fell.

Pawtucket Pat: What the hell is this??! Didn't you read the sign!!?? [Points to a "Keep out Sign"] You have sullied my factory and disobeyed my rules!! Get out now!! I want you to leave immediately!!
Peter: Ah come on!!! Uh don' I get a Chumba Wumba song at least?

[Knocking at the door and Lois is opening it, Peter is outside]
Peter: Ah, Lois, thank God it's you. The last three houses I went to were very rude.
Lois: Have you been drinking?
Peter: Well, yes I have, thank you. I've gotta find one of these silver scrolls, everyone is looking for 'em.
[Mayor West's office where he is interrogating a bottle of Pawtucket Patriot beer]
Mayor Adam West: Alright, listen to me, you long-neck bastard. You give me the scroll and I'll make head of sanitation services for the entire city. It's a do-nothing-job sweet cake.
[At a fraternity house]
Death: Two more dead from alcohol poisoning. Hmm.. looking for that scroll ha? Wouldn't mind finding that thing myself.
[He opens a beer with his eye holes and drinks it. He later stumbles out of the house to his his car]
Death: Ah, ah geez. Oh man, hope I don't get pulled over. Okay, be cool maintain. [He fasten his seat belt, arrange the mirrors, chews a gum, makes a bubble and starts the engine]
Death: Okay Death you can do this!

Gynecologist Dr. Fred Rubin: [to Lois regarding Alexis] Don't let her get to you. She asked for 'Pine Forest', I gave her 'New Car'.

[After a night of Peter practicing the piano he looses his booze]
Lois: No, no, no. Play it like you did last night.
Peter: I can't.
Lois: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that.
Peter: Well, sometimes it does, I mean you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
[Peter in his bedroom under the blanket]
Peter: Come on Lois, move or something. Geez, it's like doing it with a pillow.
Lois: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
Peter: Oh.

Peter as a child: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.

Peter: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery. Now help me drink these beers.

Peter: Lois, you don't get it. The lesson here is abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences.

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