Stewie: [to Lauren Conrad] Do you need a gay friend on the show-a friend on the show?
Stewie: [wearing flamboyant hat] What’s everyone looking at? The salesman told me it was unisex.
Lois: Well Lauren it's a real pleasure having you here for dinner. Of course I'm sure this isn't as excitin' as your usual cuisine, you know all that caviar with the little silver spoons.
Lauren: Actually Mrs. Griffin caviar spoons are carved from bone. They don't use metal because they react chemically with the fish eggs and changes their taste.
Lois: Oh that's fascinatin'. You coulda just complimented the free food but one upping me is another the way to go.
Brian: So you know guys...
Stewie: [on the phone] Oh hey Lee! No, it’s not a bad time. Yeah I still have those boots. Well, maybe I’ll wear ‘em, maybe I won’t.
[Brian is annoyed after being corrected by Lauren]
Brian: Thank you, Lauren
Brian: Hey blondie, do you want to get with my dogwood?
Jimmy Fallon: I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying: "Oh, yeah. We just do it me style."
Craig Ferguson: Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purse. But Lauren carries one...in her pants.
Jay Leno: Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. Apparently, she gave that dog a bone, and...he gave it right back!
Brian: This doesn't make any sense. If you're so smart, why do you hide it?
Lauren: Come on, Brian. You know America doesn't like smart people. I mean, they elected Bush twice.
Brian: Yeah, once. So this whole persona is a publicity stunt?
Lauren: Publicity is what keeps this franchise running, Brian. We're even using state-of-the-art computer animation to create a fake sex tape with me and Bill Cosby.
[Cutaway to the tape, showing Lauren in bed and Bill Cosby taking his clothes off]
Bill Cosby: Now, you will get ready for the zim-zam and the babbity-bibbity! And you will take your clothes off like thoo and thoom! And get ready for the most splendiferouos pudding-pop you have ever seen!
Stewie: So did you break up with Lauren?
Brian: No, I didn't. As a matter of fact she's coming over for dinner tonight.
Stewie: [high pitched] Say whaaaaaaa?!
Peter: Alright, Jillian. Since I'm giving you away on your wedding day, I wanna make sure it all goes off without a hitch. Now what are your thoughts on a wedding singer.
Jillian: Oh, I thought that maybe I would just deejay the wedding myself. I already started making a playlist on this.
Peter: A box of Junior Mints?
Jillian: This isn't an iPod?
Peter: Your Junior Mints play MP3s?
Jillian: My iPod is chocolate?
Peter: Well, be that as it may or not be that, I was thinking I could be your wedding singer.