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Welcome Back, Carter/Quotes

< Welcome Back, Carter

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Peter: Mr. Petwerschmdit, you're having an affair?
Carter: Why don't you say a little louder, you idiot?
Peter: I thought sailors only slept with little buoys. [a seagull on a sidebar sqwawks comically in response]
Carter: Knock it off. Now look, Peter, I...Shut up! Now, Peter, you can't...Dammit! Oh, shut up! Look what you did, you jackass!
Peter: What? I didn't mean to, uh...
Carter: Stop it!
Peter: It liked my joke, eh-eh...
Carter: It won't shut up! [grabs cell phone from bathrobe pocket; dials a number] Yes, give me the owlery, please. Release the owls.

[Carter opens his door and is shocked to see Peter in his jacuzzi]
Peter: Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Carter: Griffin, what are you doing in my house?
Peter: Well, I was getting ready to watch a movie on your big TV, but first, I thought I'd use you hot, bubbly toilet.
Carter: That's not a toilet!
Peter: Hey, when's it go down, by the way? It's just doing a lot of loop-de-loops.
Carter: Get the hell out of there, you son of a bitch!
Peter: Oh no. No. No, you don't get to talk to me that anymore. Not unless you want me to blab about what happened on the yacht.
Carter: What are you getting at, Griffin?
Peter: That's right. You're gonna start doing a lot of stuff for me.

[Peter and Carter are carrying a flat-screen TV across the Pewterschmidts' living room]
Peter: And I figure it's gotta be the television. You know? TV this size? Forget it, it'll laughing till I get snots falling out of my nose.
[Peter and Carter pass Lois and Barbara Pewterschmidt on the couch]
Barbara: Carter, where are you taking our television?
Carter: I' it to Peter.
Barbara: What? Why?
Peter: Yeah. Why, Carter?
Carter: [sigh] Because Peter is the best and he is awesome and he makes better laser sound than I do.
Peter: Pa-chew! Pa-chew! Pa-chew! Damn right! You hear that, Lois. And he's not just saying that because I covered for him about his affair. [Carter's eyes widen drops his arms in shock, dropping the TV and breaking part of it] What?

Carter: You stupid fat bastard! How could you tell her I had an affair?! We had a deal!
Peter: Look, I think you're blowing this out of proportion, Carter.
Carter: She's divorcing me!
Lois: Well, I don't blame her. Daddy, how could you do this to Mom? You two were perfect together. It was such a close marriage.
Brian: You know, maybe the two of you splitting up is a blessing in disguise. I mean, there are obviously some problems in your relationship. Who knows? Maybe some time apart could be just what you need.

Peter: Okay, Carter, if there's one thing girls like, it's a guy with tattoos. When Babs sees this one, she's totally gonna take you back.
Carter: Nice. What's the tattoo?
Peter: Oh, it's great, it's a donkey's vagina.
Carter: [worried] What...? How is that gonna...[a mental donkey flies in the air]
Donkey: He-haw!
Carter: Arrgghh-argh! Peter, stop him! Arrgg-agghh!
Peter: No, this is good, it means I did a good job.

Carter: [to Babs] Now let's kiss while the camera pans over to the drapes.

Peter: Take it up with my butt, he's the only one that gives a crap.

Peter: Hey Babs, settle something for us. I wanted to bring an owl, but Lois wouldn't me. Could you accommodate an owl?
Babs: I suppose there's some room in the owlery, but I can't be certain.

Carter: Alright, here's your Mike and Ikes with all the Ikes taken out.
Peter: I hope you were careful, 'cause I swear to God if I find one Ike in there and I'm going straight to Babs!
Carter:It's fine, I double checked. Here's your Mikes. [He hands Peter the bowl of Mikes] What's next?
Peter: Next I want you to fly to France and tell French people that a good looking depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie. [He eats a Mike]
[on top of the Eiffel Tower, Carter speaks into a microphone]
Carter: People of France! A good looking depressed guy smoking a cigarette is not a movie! And your sirens sound like gay guys having a three-some!

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Welcome Back, Carter's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes

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