Peter: Yeah it was just like that other Jewish musical we saw.
William Shatner: Oh fiddler on the roof sounds crazy no? But here in our little village of Annatanka you might say each one of us... Kahn!... Kahn!

Stewie: [to Meg] In an attic somewhere, there's a portrait of you getting prettier.

Max Weinstein: Return his money and we'll go.
Jim Kaplan: I don't have your money!
Max Weinstein: How about that money?
Jim Kaplan: No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! Dammit!

Jerry Seinfeld: So, You couldn't date her because she was a tickler.
George Costanza: A tickler.
Jerry Seinfeld: And you're not a stickler for a tickler.
George Costanza: Not a stickler for a tickler.
Jerry Seinfeld: Not a tickler stickler.
George Costanza: Not a tickler stickler.
Both: [Absurd babbling]
Brian: Where the hell is the remote?

Lois: I can't believe you squandered that money! I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. [cutaway to Lois and Peter's wedding]
Peter: What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made! [cut back to the living room]
Peter: You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, then do you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

[Stewie wakes up, seeing Meg]
Stewie: Ahh! What the hell are you doing?!
Meg: Watching you sleep, cutie-pie.
Stewie: Why you sick, sick moo-cow! Well, you shall watch no more!

Peter: They better not be expecting us to give money, because I gave at the church last Sunday, and I'm pretty sure it all goes to the same God.

Quagmire: Hey guys and dolls! Drinks are on do re mi!

Lois: No Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp.

Chris: Where we going?
Peter: Son, it's too late for me and Meg's a girl, but for you, the sky's the limit.

Peter: I'm sorry, Lois. I just wanted our son to be Jewish so he'd be smarter. Then maybe his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door.
Lois: Oh Peter, just because Steven more money than you doesn't mean he's any smarter.

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