- Peter: Yeah it was just like that other Jewish musical we saw.
- William Shatner: Oh, Fiddler on the Roof sounds crazy, no? But here in our little village of Annatanka you might say each one of us... Kahn!... Kahn!
- Stewie: [to Meg] In an attic somewhere, there's a portrait of you getting prettier.
- Max Weinstein: Return his money and we'll go.
- Jim Kaplan: I don't have your money!
- Max Weinstein: How about that money?
- Jim Kaplan: No way! That's Lois' rainy day fund! Dammit!
- Jerry Seinfeld: So, you couldn't date her because she was a tickler.
- George Costanza: A tickler.
- Jerry Seinfeld: And you're not a stickler for a tickler.
- George Costanza: Not a stickler for a tickler.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Not a tickler stickler.
- George Costanza: Not a tickler stickler.
- Both: [Absurd babbling]
- Brian: Where the hell is the remote?
- Lois: I can't believe you squandered that money! I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm married to a child. [cutaway to Lois and Peter's wedding]
- Peter: What can I say about my beautiful bride except milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, fudge is made! [cut back to the living room]
- Peter: You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, then do you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.
- [Stewie wakes up, seeing Meg]
- Stewie: Ahh! What the hell are you doing?!
- Meg: Watching you sleep, cutie-pie.
- Stewie: Why you sick, sick moo-cow! Well, you shall watch no more!
- Peter: They better not be expecting us to give money, because I gave at the church last Sunday, and I'm pretty sure it all goes to the same God.
- Quagmire: Hey guys and dolls! Drinks are on do re mi!
- Lois: No Mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp.
- Chris: Where we going?
- Peter: Son, it's too late for me and Meg's a girl, but for you, the sky's the limit.
- Peter: I'm sorry, Lois. I just wanted our son to be Jewish so he'd be smarter. Then maybe his wife wouldn't be sorry she didn't marry the chimp next door.
- Lois: Oh Peter, just because Steven makes more money than you doesn't mean he's any smarter.
- Peter: Well, there's only one thing that'll top a great dinner like that: [shows the game box] Operation!
- Lois: May I play?
- Stewie, Chris, Meg: Mom!
Previous Episode's Quotes /// When You Wish Upon a Weinstein's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes