Opening credits dancers: ...lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us-. [at this point, when Peter leans to the right on top of the podium, he falls over, flattening Lois and Meg, and narrowly missing Brian who has moved out of the way]
Peter: ARRGH! Ow! Ah! Ow! OOF! [he then lands on a screaming dancer] Ow, ow! Dammit!
Lois: [who has just arrived with Stewie and Brian] Peter, are you alright?
Peter: [while rubbing his arm] No! No, I think you should call somebody...
Brian: Ma'am, are you alright?
Dancer: No, I...can't...breathe...
Brian: Oh God, I think she punctured a lung!
Peter: Ah, dammit, look at my foot, it's already starting to swell up. Ah, I'm looking forward to this week, got a swelled foot all week.
Stewie: [who has appeared in front of the camera] You know, we...we should, you should probably go ahead and shut that off.
Cleveland: I saw one last night where this girl had a butt face but her breasts were immaculate.
Brian: And she's a talented photographer.
Stewie:Oh, that is so lame every girl who can aim a camera thinks she is a photographer. Oooh, you took a black and white picture of a lawn chair and it's shadow and developed it at Sav-On. You must be so brooding and deep.
Stewie: Hey Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is?
Jillian: Um, Rhode Island City?
Stewie: [Laughs] Its like she's fucking five!
Stewie: Dude, that was painful.
Brian: What are you doing here? Did you follow us?
Stewie: Well, hey, what are the odds of finding true love anywhere in the world, says this observer.
Peter: Gee, Lois, I thought having you here was gonna be fun, but so far, you're a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington.
Peter: Aw, man, this is the best party I've ever been to! Ahaha!
Buzz Killington: Evening, everyone. I thought it would be very droll if we all sat down and looked at etchings. Would you like to join me, Peter?
Peter: Uh, well, we...we're kinda partyin' here.
Buzz Killington: Good! [gives Peter a sketchbook with a picture on it] Hold this up. Now, here's a fellow attempting to ride a bicycle. But he's having some trouble, isn't he? Would you like to know why?
Peter: [sighs] Why?
Buzz Killington: Because he's a Scott! [chuckles] Now, who here likes a good story about a bridge?
Peter: [to Lois after having sex with her in his office] Ha, I knew I'd get you just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman.
Rhea Perlman: I don't know, Danny.
Danny DeVito: Look, it's either me or nobody.
Rhea Perlman: Sold.
Stewie: All right, Brian, you can do this. You can dump her, because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection? At the end of every sentence?
Brian: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking? Oh, dammit, now I'm doing it too!
Stewie: Oh, hey, Brian. Back from a hot booty call with your idiot girlfriend?
Brian: You know, think what you want, but you don't see the side of Jillian that I do.
Stewie: Face it, Brian, she's dumber than a Boston-area book report.
Boston-Area Student: The novel I chose to address is Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens. Queer name, right? The book was actually not bad.
Peter: Lois, take a letter. "Dear Life Cereal, Where do you get off? Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about what you do. Life Cereal, do not change a thing. Signed, Peter Griffin. Dictated but not read." Lois, read that back to me.
Jillian: And then, think about this. Have you ever seen the sun and the moon in the same place at the same time?
Peter: [gasps] They're the same person!
Jillian: I know, right?!
Chris: You're brilliant!
Peter: Oh, hey Quagmire, how was Florida?
Quagmire: Oh, it was great! And guess what? I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.
Peter: Uh, Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here. You could've just put 'em in your car and driven 'em up here.
Quagmire: Huh, yeah, that's just as fun.
Jillian: Oh my God, Brian. I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
Stewie: Say, Jillian, I love what you've done with the place. What is it, one bedroom, one bath?
Jillian: No, it's a whole apartment.
Stewie: I say, Jillian, this lemonade is delicious.
Jillian: I know! It's good, right? I just wish they didn't have to kill so many lemons to make it.
[After Peter blows off his fingers]
Lois: Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers!
Peter: What happened? Oh, my God!
Stewie: You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out of juice over here. [taps his sippy cup] Bone-dry.
[Joe shoots a bird that has one of Peter's fingers]
Peter: Ah, thanks, Joe.
Joe: [puts a knife next to the dead bird] Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe.
Peter: Eh... good thinking.
Joe: Yeah, I know how these things go down.
Jillian: Anyone else have to go to the little girl's room? I have new gloss.
Jillian's Friend 1: I love gloss!
Jillian's Friend 2: Oh, that rocks!
Jillian's Friend 3: Gloss rhymes with hair!
Stewie: Oh, well, let me ask you something. Does she have an alibi?
Brian: For what, why would she need an alibi?
Stewie: So, you're saying she does not have an alibi.
Brian: Well, no.
Stewie: Ok, so we've established she ain't got no alibi, she ugly, she ugly. [chants] U-G-L-Y, she ain't got no alibi, she ugly.
Brian: Screw off.
Stewie: M, she major ugly, O, she fat and pugly, O my God, no, the cow says moo!
[While Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are drunk in a beer tank at the Pawtucket Brewery]
Peter: Okay, okay, guys, here's one. If you were God, who would you strike down first?
Joe: Debra Messing. I find her insufferable.
Cleveland: French Stewart. What are you squinting about? It's not even that bright.
Jillian: So, Stewie, do you work with Brian at the detective agency?
Stewie: Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do. At the detective agency.
Jillian: That's got to be a tough job. I know Brian's work has him coming and going at all hours of the night.
Stewie: I bet it does, I bet it does.
Stewie: I want to know, Brian. What specifically do you talk about?
Brian: Uh, a lot of things. Um...food, um...the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta. Um..."Real World/Road Rules Challenge."
Stewie: You hate MTV.
Brian: Pot helps.
[Brian takes a long time talking to Jillian. Stewie is asleep in his car seat and Brian comes back]
Stewie: [wakes up] What the hell? It took you 3 hours to break up with her?
Brian: Uh, not exactly.
Stewie: Well, what were you doing in there? What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame.
Stewie: Life's confusing when you grow up, isn't it Brian?
Brian: It is.
Stewie: Can we play my mixtape?
Brian: Yeah, go ahead.
[Stewie puts in the mixtape and "Cars" by Gary Numan begins to play. Stewie sings to the beat]
Stewie: Brian had sex, with a really dumb girl, now he's taking his friend Stewie, to get some ice cream, in his car.[Brian shuts the tape off] Ohhhh, you're a poor sport.