Adam West: [after presenting the Dig 'Em gold statue] I'd like to take this opportunity to announce extreme budget cutbacks, having almost nothing to do with this solid gold statue.
Dr. Hartman: Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms, they're giant tumors.
Popeye: [mumbles] Oh dear.
Dr. Hartman: Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized this is not how a human being is supposed to look.
Dr. Hartman: And that speech thing and what you're doing with your eye? You had a stroke about seven years ago.
Doctor Hartman: That you've managed to be walking around all this time, is nothing short of a miracle.
Doctor Hartman: I'd say about two months.
Stewie: You hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So, umm. This is awkward, but... I mean, if they can do that... that's pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you might as well pack it in, game over.
Chris: Matthew McConaughey?
McConaughey: Yeah, I'm lookin for a guy named Stewie. [an arrow strikes him] Ay-ow!
Stewie: Chris, grab his legs, I gotta go bury this thing.
Chris: But I...
Stewie: GRAB HIS LEGS!!
Lois: Something about two gay people getting married, I just don't think it's right.
Priest: Well, these questions are too big to be decided by human beings, which is why God made this film.
Adam West: I should warn you. I have a tiny bulletproof shield the exact size of a bullet, somewhere on my body. And if you hit it, I'll be unharmed and your plan will be foiled. You'll be the laughing stock of me.
Alyssa: It's only a matter of time before Mayor West signs that bill and you'll get to touch these. [points to her breasts]
Chris: Oh boy! I've got a feeling that before the end of the day, I'm going to be burying my dog.
Alyssa: Whoa, whoa! I said you could touch my boobs. Let's start with that.
Peter: I'll relax him by using my catch phrase. [changes to Italian accent] Hey! Whassa happa wit' chyu? [laugh track]
Brian: What the hell was that?
Peter: [return to New England accent] My catch phrase.
Brian: You don't have a catch phrase.
Peter: [Italian accent] Why a you gotta say it like a dat?
Brian: [ringing the bell at Quagmire's place] Hi Glenn. Hey, eh, would you sign a petition to overturn Mayor West's ban on gay marriage?
Quagmire: Gay marriage? Ah, come on! Two halves can't make a whole without a hole! Giggity giggity gigitty gigitty! Ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang Ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang! [slams the front door]
[Brian walks to Herbert's]
Herbert: [responding to Brian's request] You get outta my property, you pervert.
[Brian goes to Bottomtooth's]
Brian: Ehm, Mr. Bottomtooth, would you like to sign the petition?
Mr. Bottomtooth: Uh, no, nu hamenuheeeeal...
Brian: Eh I don't eh... what, what's the problem?
Mr. Bottomtooth: Humenuhheah! Humeneahhheah ahahaheah! [showing Brian a Christian cross around his neck]
Brian: Ah, okay, thank you.
Chris: But Brian, the bible says gay marriage is an abomination.
Brian: Oh, don't give me that Young Republican crap, Chris. The bible also says a senior citizen built an ark and rounded up two of every animal!
Noah: What the hell is this? [points to a creature with an elephant head and a penguin body]
Elephant: Oh, yo...you didn't really give us any specific guidelines about mating.
Noah: Did you name it?
Noah: Did you name it?
Elephant: Uh, yeah, he's Paul.
Noah: Yeah? Well, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder for you now, because he's going the fuck overboard!
Jasper: All I ever wanted was to marry a skinny, hairless Filipino boy and live happily ever after. Isn't that the American dream?